Dissociated Thoughts

Life Epiphany - 30DBC 11/19

19 November 2021

Prompt: We've all had one or several epiphany's in our lives. Tonight, write about a moment in your life that changed the way you view the world.

I thought about this prompt then thought about it some more. What should I write about? There have been a few life changing events in my life.

Maybe I could write about what it was like the first time I had a seizure in front of the kids at school. How the kids mocked me and teased me for this disease that is out of my control. The names they called me, the looks they gave me, how they distanced themselves from me like my seizures were contagious. I learned just how cruel, ruthless, and unthinking people can be and it began my dislike of being around people.

Or maybe I could talk about when I found out my first husband was cheating on me with my best friend's baby's momma. All while I was babysitting the kids she already had on my days off work. Sounds like a Jerry Springer episode, doesn't it? My best friend, who my husband forbade me to see or talk to, he was the one who came to my place of work and told me - shattering the glass cage that was my life. And I grew wings and flew, right into a cage of my own making.

Then again, perhaps my great epiphany was the day I looked into the sky blue eyes of the man who would become my life partner, and fell head over heels for a man that at the time I didn't even know.

But it wasn't then either. My greatest epiphany occurred as I lay dying in a hospital bed while my kidneys continued to fail. I prayed to God that I might be able to live a even little while longer, to meet my future grandchildren, to see my family. To actually live, which is something I really hadn't done up to that point because I allowed the worries of the world to stress me until the point of my sickness. You see, up until that point, I refused to believe in the Christian God, even though He is who my parents raised me to believe in. We must all choose our own paths after all. I was in the hospital the same time Covid-19 hit our area. The hospital was crazy with activity as the doctors and nurses tried to see to the influx of patients. The hospital locked down and would not allow any visitors to see patients, which meant I was unable to see my husband, daughters, or parents. But in the midst of that craziness, God placed some very caring people into my life; nurses who took extra time to care for me, to brush my hair, to make me feel like a normal person again - doctors who communicated with one another and somehow found a way to stop my kidneys from failing and in doing so found more of my autoimmune problems, some of which had much to do with the kidney failure. But even they were stumped by my kidneys' return to full function. But, somehow, some part of me spoke what I knew deep within me. God had made all of this happen. He brought the right people into my life, He healed me by using those people as the tools to do so. You see, God heard my cries. He told me it wasn't my time, that I still had a purpose here. And I was given more time with my family, more time to enjoy life, more time to live life. So now, I wake each morning, thankful for the opportunity to see a new day, thankful for my family and those few I call friends, grateful to be able to continue to experience the wonder that is life the good and the bad. And I seldom get stressed about the little things like the finances, or big things like when it seems life has taken a crap on me. Crap happens to everyone, not just me. God is back in my life and here to stay. I'm here for a purpose, even if that purpose is simply telling my story. I'm not out to change the world, just survive in it - and maybe bring some light to someone else's day as well.

As far as my anti-social tendencies, well, I'm working on those. I have to in order to deal with people in my daily life. And God is helping me with that. I have also found forgiveness for those people who hurt me so much as I went through life. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders I didn't even know was there - but it helps and I'm happier than I have been since I was a kid.