Short Stories and poems

Advice of a Werewolf

Advice about Human Predation

I am BB Wolf, and as you can easily tell by my name, I am a werewolf. There are many things I’m known for. One of these things is swallowing little old ladies, and then getting my butt kicked by some snip of a girl – to be fair; she tends to have help from that fella with the axe. Then there’s those seven goat kids – their mother is rather protective. Luckily, there is that one foolish lamb I am able to eat. Of course, this all depends upon which version of which story you hear.

Now, I am a Predator, if the prior attempted meals don’t give it away, my teeth should. I love eating meat, especially that of young tender animals, but sometimes one must make do with the elderly. Nothing quite like a good meal before one takes a nap – just make sure to set traps or alarms up in case of intruders.

That being said, there’s some things that annoy me, in regards to those who prey exclusively on humans, or those who claim to do so. There’s a lot of issues, actually. I shall go through them.

One issue is simply the rate of sexual maturity. It takes a human nearly two decades to become fully mature, and then have the possibility to produce offspring. Most livestock animals, such as cattle, pigs, sheep, and goats, to say nothing about chickens and ducks, take less than three years to become sexually mature and start reproducing. In the time it takes for a group of 10 unrelated humans to grow up, and start the next generation, at least twenty generations of chickens can occur, and, assuming that one is careful, one will end up with over a thousand chickens by that time! That’s a lot of eggs to eat, to say nothing about the chickens themselves! By the twentieth year, you might be lucky to have an extra human to replace the ones you raised, but one would have to keep a good balance of the male to female ratio, because the next generation might all be related, which isn’t good for following generations afterwards.

There’s the rate of consumption to take in. Let’s say that there’s one Predator per thousand Humans. Should the Predator satisfy themselves with one mature human a month, those thousand humans, assuming that they are in relatively good health, with no accidents, and are eighteen or older when ate, will last a little over eight decades, and might be on Generation Four or possibly even Generation Five. It is fairly possible, assuming that food and care for them is no issue, that they can be self-sustaining. Now, let’s up the consumption rate of those humans to one every day – that thousand humans won’t last three years, and might just be able to even start the next generation. But that predator would need to get additional humans to sustain themselves. Thus, a smart Predator, especially those that need to eat every day, ought to have more than just humans on the menu.

Now, let’s factor in how dangerous humans can be to a Predator. Way back when, humans figured out that sticks and stones can break bones, especially if the stick and stone is combined into a spear or axe or mace, which they did before they started finger-painting. Granted, the typical Predator will have no issue killing a single human, but most humans tend to be around others, who might have spears, axes, maces, or other weapons. Now, it is possible to breed in docility, but this takes time! Even then, can one be sure that the tamed human is harmless? There are plenty of stories of Predators, so sure in their power over their human livestock, that they went to bed, only for the humans to grab sharpened sticks, heavy rocks, stolen tools and the like, and butcher the Predator. This is a reason as to why a Predator should never be overly cruel to their human livestock, especially if they are too foolish to take certain precautions, like making sure that the human quarters are secured and guarded.

Humans as a Primary source of Income. Well, that’s a big fat No Way! As previously mentioned, humans take nearly two decades to mature. Few want to wait that long to have a creature that weighs maybe two hundred pounds, or ninety kilograms, that costs thousands upon thousands to make any money off of, and even fewer want to pay that amount. Granted, one could try to market younger ones, but there’s a number of issues there. Now, if Flash Cloning became viable, especially the Age Acceleration process, this might become more doable. But for now, anyone engaged in Human Farming will need additional sources of income that sustain one until the Human Livestock reaches the Peak Age of Selling. Chickens, for instance, are fairly cheap, age and breed quickly, and can be sold for a nice sum of money.

Humans as Willing Meals, this is unlikely, especially in the case of Generation Zero or Feral Stock. Humans, like all other animals, like to live. When faced with danger, many will try to fight back, or run away. Granted, this doesn’t always work for them, and there are those that will freeze in the face of danger, but this is part of their natural instincts, in an attempt to survive the situation. Even those that are terminally ill, fatally injured, or like the idea of being eaten, will have these instincts, and will do what they can to survive in the face of danger. Now, it’s possible to condition the young humans that being Prey is simply a natural part of life, and that it is an Honor for them to be chosen as a meal, especially if one is gentle with them, to possibly have them tone down the struggle for when they are inevitably selected to be a meal. That being said, those that are cruel, ought to remember just how dangerous humans can become, or they’ll find out the hard way.

Other livestock is to not be of the sort that also eats humans. As previously mentioned, it costs a lot of money, and time, to raise a human to maturity. Thus, other products made from humans, wherein humans are the main ingredient in making them, like fertilizer or milk, tends to be cost prohibitive, unless there is indeed a market for such things, and there is indeed a decent profit to be made from it. Should one chose to raise such livestock, it’s usually best to keep humans well away from them, unless one wishes to get rid of a troublesome human, but not do so personally.

Grading Human Meat – given how long it takes for a human to mature, and have some offspring, it’s best to start grading them while they are young. One doesn’t want to spend two decades growing something, just for it to end up as other livestock or pet feed, or just ordinary fertilizer – granted, accidents occur, and the human will still be turned into fertilizer in the end, but let’s try to make sure that they’ll be a good meal beforehand. Testing can include simple taste testing, via licks and the like – this might be part of conditioning the younger human livestock into accepting their role as prey. A human that enjoys tongue tickles after all, might not struggle so hard when they are inevitable sent into the stomach for good. These taste tests can be useful for pre-grading human meat, and perhaps will allow one to try to change things to improve the grade, such as improving the diet of the livestock, encouraging healthy exercise, good sleeping habits, and so on. Likewise, unless one is getting rid of overly troublesome human livestock, keep them separate from other animals that can eat them.

It’s best to not eat Human Livestock in front of other Human livestock, especially in the situations involving Feral or Generation Zero, or even Generation One, livestock, as such livestock might encourage other livestock to break free and kill the Predator. During the first few generations, consumption should be done in a Private location, but it is, usually, perfectly fine to let the meal-to-be say their good-byes to their friends and loved ones. As for later generations, especially ones more comfortable with being eaten, this suggestion can be relaxed, but still let them say their good-byes.

Overall, unless a Predator is already wealthy to begin with, and has plenty of time on their hands, or makes due with non-Human sources of additional livestock, Human Farming is, generally, not a lucrative way to have Human Meals. Between time lost growing the livestock, as well as money spent in feeding and caring for them, those without the means to afford to care for the product, or patience to wait for it to grow, will lose their farm, and livestock. They might not even be able to enjoy it.

Humans for Breeding purposes – assuming good health and care is taken, a human could easily live for seventy, or more, years. Females are capable of breeding and having offspring until their fifth decade, while males can keep breeding females for a while longer. Keep this in mind for those with exceptionally desirable traits, but avoid breeding humans that are closely related, as this can produce undesirable results – see the results of the Hapsburg family tree, and other Royal trees, where breeders kept breeding siblings, cousins, and other close family relatives together, and thus got things, such as extra digits, overly large lower jaw, and even mental defects. Granted, selective breeding can enhance the frequency of desirable traits, but make sure that the chance for passing on undesirable genes is low. Of course, should the technology, or magic, be available, it’s possible to make sure that the genes will all be good.

Humans as Slaves or Pets – it’s not unheard of for Predators to keep human slaves, not as food stock, but because they are entertaining, or can do useful tasks, or are just plain cute. Much like with Human Livestock, Predators that are overly cruel to their pets and slaves tend to find out just how dangerous humans can be, especially since these ones have more access to things that can be used as weapons. That being said, a Predator that takes good care of their Human Pets, Slaves, and Livestock even, could be protected by them, in the event of a Human Uprising, with the loyal humans risking their own lives to keep them safe.

Humans as Sexual Partners – It’s a well-known fact that Predators have sexual urges, and sometimes it’s not practical for a Predator to engage in sex with another Predator. In this case, they might use a human to take the edge off. Be careful while doing this, both from a physical standpoint, and relationship standpoint, among others. If a Predator plans on eating the human at some point, it’s a good idea to let the human know that they won’t be taken off the menu. It’s best to make sure that they know where they stand at any rate. Of course, if the Predator gets to the point that they decide to remove the human from the menu, for any reason, best to let them know that too.

Hunting Wild Humans – Those that are not content with domesticated human meals might instead hunt down wild ones. As previously mentioned, humans can be quite dangerous, especially those that are more than willing to fight back. It’s fairly easy to make clubs out of good-sized pieces of wood, which are decently thick and dense, around the size of a baseball bat or pickaxe handle, and that can break bones and smash skulls. Then there is spears that can be made from long and narrow pieces of wood, typically something akin to a broom handle in size and shape, with a nice point on the end, and those can pierce the organs of those who are foolish enough to discount their deadliness. Then there’s the technology that the humans have possession of, which can change the type of weapons that they have, which could range from swords, to firearms, or even laser-based weaponry. Then there’s the type of armor that they have, which can make things difficult when it comes to eating them.

Eating Pregnant Females and Young Children – Any Predator that engages in this behavior for any reason, aside from terminal illness or injury, including those wherein the unborn child of a pregnant female cannot be saved, deserves to be dismembered, by their own human livestock. Such behavior, unless done out of Mercy, is exceptionally cruel and unnecessary. It is also cost prohibitive. After all, human children are the future lifeblood of further generations of human livestock.

Mercy Eating of Terminally Ill or Injured – Despite best efforts, sickness and injury do happen. If it is not possible to save the life of the human in question, and the death will otherwise be painful on them, it could be seen as a kindness to end their suffering. They will probably feel better if their body could be of use to a favorite Predator.

Dealing with Troublesome Human Stock – This can be a tricky one. If the troublemaker just merely asks questions, answer them as best as possible. If the troublemaker is of Feral Stock that wants freedom, point out why they are better off where they are at, especially if there’s more dangerous wild predators out there. If the troublemaker is combative and causes fights, try to reason with them, and calm them down. Should they attack and kill another of the livestock – they’re today’s meal, and make sure that everyone knows that it is the troublemaker’s punishment. As for the murder victim, make sure that they have a rather lavish ceremony, before eating them. Still, as previously mentioned, accidents do happen, just try to not make it happen too frequently.

Raising Free Range Stock – While it’s possible to simulate a setting that resembles what life looked life before Predators took over, like those things known as villages, it is generally a good idea to let said stock know their purpose. While some farms like to keep their livestock ignorant of their fate, it’s possible that upon finding out the truth, the livestock will resist, fight back, get weapons, and cause an uprising. Granted, said uprising tends to be quashed rather quickly, as livestock normally don’t know how to use weapons too good, but this still affects things, like insurance premiums.

Setting up a False Rebellion with a Human Leader and a few Predator Turncoats, which Secretly Control things – Anyone trying this, deserves the inevitable dismemberment they’ll get. Humans don’t like it when they realize they’ve been lied to. As for the so-called Turncoats, they might actually Become turncoats, for one reason or another. The Rebellion itself might even become Real, and thus an actual danger to all other Predators. Besides, what’s the reason for setting up a Rebellion anyways? Is someone trying to set up a Hunt for the Most Dangerous Animal? One should quit while they have a head upon their shoulders.

A Setting where Humans and Predators Freely Live Side-by-Side – Predators newly arrived to such locations, and seeing all those tasty humans walking around, and not being gobbled up like the delicious morsels they are, should consult the local laws. There might be limits as to the number one can consume and fees that must be paid for the consumption of the human, or it might just be seen an impolite to just eat on the streets – now that alley off the corner street on the other hand…. Then again, it just might be illegal to eat humans, and one must make do with chicken – at least until nightfall, when it’s Legal Hunting Hours.

Treat Human Prey Humanely – Do not treat Human Prey as if they are a mere animal, for they are just as Sapient as Predators. Always treat them decently, even when it’s time to place them upon the platter. If a Predator’s stomach acids are going to cause the Prey pain, it would be a good idea to prevent that beforehand, such as by snapping their neck with a quick twist, upwards and to the right, which tends to cause a fairly quick and painless death. Of course, if ones’ stomach acids produce a calming effect upon the Prey, that’s another story. Now, it would be a good idea to make a nice journal entry about the Prey, with a picture of them before they became a meal, noting their likes, dislikes, thoughts about you, and so one. Photos of the aftermath are not needed.

So, why be Nice to Human Prey? As stated, overly cruel Predators tend to end up dead. Also, all Predators will die, eventually, and they will all be greeted by their Past Meals. Cruel Predators will be on the end of a never-ending beating, and since one is already dead, not even death can save one there. As for a Nice Predator, they might be treated as a friend by those past meals, who might give their Predator a second chance to eat them, and since they’re already dead, there’s also the third time, fourth time, fifth time, and so on. Also, there are worlds where there is Reformation technology or Resurrection magic, wherein folks don’t stay dead forever – although there’s probably some sort of cost. Thus, Predators that took Unwilling Prey might find themselves arrested, and placed in a special cell, where they can no longer enjoy their favorite prey.

Well, this is my advice as a werewolf. Now, if you don’t mind, there’s a lady in a red outfit beckoning me to her. She’ll probably taste good with some Italian dressing.