Dissociated Thoughts

Tuesdays

I hate Tuesdays. They're worse than Mondays for me. By Tuesday, my entire body is throbbing in pain, deep and overwhelming. Along with the pain comes the itching, discomfort, and annoyance of being bothered. Every little thing can set me off and usually does. Tuesdays are the days that I wish Wednesdays would hurry up and get here, along with all of the sickness and wonkiness that my Wednesday medication dosage brings. Wednesday is the day I take my Methotrexate. The dosage is supposed to last the entire week, but by Monday I start to see feel the symptoms again and by Tuesday those symptoms are almost too much to bear. The pain gets so bad that it makes me nauseous, weak, and dizzy more often than not. Thank my immune system for that, for all of it. It makes some days almost impossible to get through. Take today for an example. I am in so much pain that I would love to cry. I'd love to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by until tomorrow gets here. But I can't do either. And curling up in a ball would hurt, just like anything toughing my skin hurts. But I have to work today, and tears don't come too readily anymore.
You ever wonder what it would be like to not be able to cry? It ain't fun, I'll tell you that. Sometimes, a person needs to cry. Of the many autoimmune diseases I have, Sjorgren's syndrome is one of them. Sjogren's attacks the salivary and tear glands, leaving mouth and eyes dry. I used to get those effects from smoking weed. Now I have them all the time, no weed needed. The Lupus SLE is the culprit behind all the pain, and itching, and the lovely red spots all over my face (and quite a few other things too). Living with it is hard, but at least I'm still alive. These symptoms are all small prices to pay for the privilege of being alive. But that doesn't mean it doesn't bother me, and it doesn't mean I'm not driven to complain from time to time. On Tuesdays like today, there's nothing I can do but wait for tomorrow and the promise of a few days without pain that Wednesday's medication brings. Good thing I don't have to do it alone. On days like today, the Lord carries me through the day so I can see tomorrow.

Until next time. Thanks for reading.
         - Jenn