Sandy Supposes....

Campfires of June

"The Bard's Hall Contest"  Bard's Hall #1

         Cough, cough. Hack. Gasp. Sniff. Blink, blink. June is National Camping Month and that great Canadian tradition, the roaring campfire , is once again perfuming the air and illuminating the night sky. Flames dance and glow. Aromatic wood snaps and crackles. Shadows loom and lengthen. And the smoke plumes and billows to envelop all in its presence.

         Campfires have evolved. Everyone and their mother owns a cell phone to grasp, tote, and fiddle with. Snaps of the magnificent campfire are saved and shared. With the advent of instant data mining there are no more confused campers moping about. With a simple swipe anyone may and does consult the all-knowing, definitive GOOGLE. Those niggling mysteries that irk only when seated ‘round a fire with like-minded individuals are no longer bothersome. GOOGLE has revitalized campfire conversations.

         Are you perhaps struggling with the lyrics to a song locked in the murky recesses of your memory? Do you know for certain that it should be sung as “do wop do wop” and not “do wop wop?” Is there need of clarification? Are tempers flaring? Has someone dared to ask what a ‘do wop’ is?

          Sure, we all swear by our version, but GOOGLE will set us straight. Just simply type in the lyrics, or the song title as you know them. Voila, GOOGLE to the rescue.

          Are you stumped by the colour and the make/model of a particular vehicle in an action scene? Was a Jeep driven off a cliff, or was it a Journey? Does one of the nearby fire-sitters insist it had to be a Ford Bronco? Do you find yourself needing to explain a DeLorean to the clueless person next to you? What was the Bat mobile really made from? Look no further, GOOGLE has your answers.

          Alas, are you arguing / disagreeing re a character’s name? Is there some question of the spelling? Is Montoya, or Buttercup even a legitimate name? Is it Jane with a ‘y?’ Do not worry a moment longer than necessary. GOOGLE will know and share with you.

          Should this come up at the glowing campfire GOOGLE has your back. Were you born on a Monday, or a Tuesday? Did something momentous occur that day other than your birth? Learn once and for all the difference between millennial, baby boomer, zoomer, and whatever.

         Consult GOOGLE if only for clarification and a clearing of the discombobulating atmosphere. What is one supposed to mutter / chant when the camp smoke envelops you blocking life-affirming oxygen and blurring / tearing your vision? Is it “ white rabbit, white rabbit?” Could it possibly be “white bunny, white bunny?” What about “grey rabbit, grey rabbit?” Trust me. GOOGLE will lead you down a rabbit hole and you’ll discover ‘white rabbit’ has been an invocation of luck for years. But is it not considered unlucky to be a smoke magnet?

         Hold on. What is the optimal arrangement of firewood to create an efficiently burning campfire? Log cabin? Teepee? Does GOOGLE have an opinion? Why of course it does. GOOGLE offers step-by-step instructions and videos.

         STEP 1: Choose a safe spot. Wise words GOOGLE.

         STEP 2: Create a Tinder bed. Um, GOOGLE, isn’t Tinder a dating forum? Should you be recommending a bed? Okay, this site encourages sparks and sparks are a good thing, a necessary thing for a fire, but…

         STEP 3: Add the teepee Kindling to top of tinder. So, it’s back to the bed again… Kindling is the small sticks, right? We’re still talking about a fire, right? We’re attempting to kindle a wood fire flame, aren’t we? This is all about the heat. Gotcha.

         STEP 4:Build fire. That’s it? Construction? No tools?

         STEP 5: Celebrate. Oh… party, victory dance, cheering? Let there be flames!

         Wait, wait, true to its open, giving nature, GOOGLE has introduced me to an alternate fire-lighting solution. Whoa! Is this for real? Duh, it must be, it is Google after all. Making A Fire With Ice… Huh?! Mind blown! Use clear ice to fashion a lens. Ah, I get it. Divert the sun’s rays to the tinder? A different method than rubbing two sticks together…

         Hmmm, I’m going to try this method, someday. I confess I have forgotten to pack matches in the past and I do not smoke so, I do not own a lighter. I’m just wondering how I prevent the ice from melting in my pocket.

         Yep, GOOGLE understands camp fires. It can rustle up a variety of SMORE’S recipes. Chocolate isn’t the only sweetener any more. New Age smore’s feature caramel, cocoanut, cinnamon butter, candied bacon, berries, peanut butter, chocolate-covered potato chips and more. Okay, I’m always up for choking down one of these delectable treats as I choke on the stubborn campfire smoke. If I’m going to be coated in soot I might as well digest some, too.

         There’s something else that clings to fire attendees besides the unmistakable aroma of wood smoke. Many devotees douse themselves with an insect repellent made from DEET ‘cause good ol’ GOOGLE recommends it. According to the sage GOOGLE, DEET disguises the scent biting insects require to hunt us down. What? Mosquitos and blackflies cannot smell that s**t? Really?

         Another online solution to deter bugs is this. Rub garlic on your skin. Isn’t that a baste, a flavour enhancer? Don’t feast upon my blood I am protected by the mystical properties of garlic. Is this not a vampire repellent? Correct me if I am wrong, but don’t we like food wood-smoked and garlick-y? Won’t I smell appealing / appetizing?

         GOOGLE has informed me that I am doomed to be a walking smorgasbord. According to ‘studies’ Type O blood is especially irresistible. Mosquitos and blackflies consider me to be self-basting.

         Here is another GOOGLE bug deterrent that I have personally tried. Slather Vick’s VapoRub on exposed skin. “The smell of the menthol in it will repel the insects away.” Er, how far exactly is ‘away?’ A centimetre? A wee bit? Closer? This desperate bug-repellent method does not repel anything but tearing, gasping people. I will admit it clears the sinuses plugged by the campfire smoke though.

         Yep, June is a perfect month to begin enjoying the great outdoors and all its wonders. Just remember to consult GOOGLE when you cannot resist the urge to sing ‘Smoke Gets In Your Eyes.’ Chances are someone sitting ‘round your campfire will object to the lyrics you belt out.

          Campfire season is a short one, so why mar it with unnecessary disagreements. ( This I NOT a paid endorsement of GOOGLE. I merely wish for everyone to enjoy campfire companionship.)