Seven Degrees Left of Center

Vulnerable and Violated

Two years ago, I woke up in an intensive care room. The room was cold and dark. I cannot say I was comfortable. However, I was not in any pain. That changed when I attempted to move. After that, I either passed out or went back to sleep. The same, but not.

I woke again, and it was still dark. Maybe, I had just blinked my eyes. I don't know. I started to count the beeps from a machine, not ticks like a clock. But, they did provide a gauge acknowledging time moving. Time, what time is it? What day is it? Why am I here? Who am I? Panic! I felt vulnerable and violated. The beeping got faster, and some green lights changed to red. I blinked!

No, I passed out. When I opened my eyes again, there was light and voices, "Wah wah wah wah?" a light shining into my eyes, it hurt.

Femail voice, "Wah wah wah wah wah?"

I blinked.

Male again, "Wah wah wah?"

Femail voice, "Wah wah wah wah wah. Wah wah. Wah wah wah wah?"

I cried.

My field of vision was limited because I couldn't move my head. I felt a hand firmly gripping my forearm. Male, "Wah wah wah, okay, wah wah."

That is all I remember from September 25th, 2020. I am trying to remember details from the following few days. My head hurt. The bed rolled through hallways. My head hurt. Road the amusement ride called MRI. My head hurt. More rides in a wheelchair. My head hurt. And, "Wah wah wah, ah, wah wah?" or "Okay, wah wah sir wah move wah wah."

I do not remember the exact sequence of events, but here are two highlights after my brain replaced "wah whas" with actual words.

My oldest daughter helped me eat my first meal. I had not said anything yet, so I had only used hand jesters or teary eyes to communicate. The hoses, wires, cables, and other entanglements made that problematic.

Susan is a prayer worrier, so I wanted to ask her to say a prayer. With great effort, I tried my best to get the words I was thinking of verbalizing. The best I could say was, "Sshhhit?!"

I could not remember my wife's name. Yet I knew who she was, so I managed to call her "Precious."

The doctor laughed out loud and replied, "Okay, ladies. He will be fine." We all enjoyed a good laugh—maybe we cried. No, it was a laugh. But, really, we happily cried.