The Whatever Files

Star Trekkin

Captain's Log, Stardate Me2.i.8-1.Sour2.

For several weeks now we have been seeking an humanoid alien life-form with orange skin. Since our voyages began, I have kissed alien women with violet; indigo; blue; green;yellow; and red skin. I take a PRIDE in doing my job well, so an orange hottie is a must.

Second Officer Lieutenant Spark, a hyper intelligent electrical discharge insists that I'm being illogical about this. He would perhaps like to relieve me of my command, but fortunately Medical Officer Guts agrees with me, and wants to get some Orange Lovin' too.

For some reason Communications Officer Notya Toowho has stopped speaking to me, which means I haven't had a message from Starfleet Command in months. So we kissed once, doesn't mean we're married.

Guts and I have decided to grow goatee beards, which we both agree look very stylish.

We beamed down to the surface of the planet Alkohol. When we got there, one of my legs was missing. I was hopping mad, but fortunately it reappeared upon my return from the planet. No orange women, but the ladyboys gave the term 'transmat beam' a whole new meaning for me!

Must remember to call in to the planet Rouge again, we need another consignment of red shirts. It's unclear why we get through so many.

Stardate ∞ 4 1 & 1 4 ∞

I've met the girl of my dreams, and she was under my nose all the time. Every month or so I like to eat in the canteen, to give the impression that I'm just an ordinary Joe. It's standard Captain stuff, and practically on page one of the training manual. Whilst I was 'enjoying' a bowl of everything the body needs, a single-celled protein combined with synthetic amino acids, vitamins, and minerals, when this smoking hot orange chick just shimmed past.

I asked her name and she told me she's Toowit Woohoo. Sadly she doesn't believe in sex before marriage, so I've asked the Space Bishop to arrange a simple ceremony this afternoon.

Comms Officer Notya has disappeared, and an extensive search of the ship has led me to conclude she must have teleported off somewhere. Fortunately it turns out that Toowit is fully trained in that department, so I've offered her the post, which she gladly accepted.

[COMMUNICATIONS PROGRAM]

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