The Whatever Files

Peeves and Booster

"I say Peeves, I'm afraid I've gotten myself into a bit of a scrape."

"That hardly comes as a surprise Sir, if one will insist on wearing Cricket Flannels at breakfast."

"Dash it all Peeves, what on earth's wrong with that?"

"You were out for a duck Sir."

"Yes, well anyway, about this scrape."

"Yes Sir?"

"You know Dinah Swinesfill, old Gilbert 'Bridge-Club' Swinesfill's sister?"

"I know of her Sir, a young lady rather lacking in the humour department by all accounts."

"That's the woman Peeves, about as funny as a rattlesnake in a lucky dip bag."

"Indubitably Sir, and what is the relationship of Miss Swinesfill to your scrape Sir?"

"She's only gone and set her sights on the old Booster Peeves."

"The 'old booster' Sir?"

""Me, Peeves. Me. The Old Rooster Booster."

"I see Sir. Quite so. I was unaware that she was also lacking in common sense, and perhaps intelligence."

"Dash it all Peeves, you've got to help me out here. I've got Aunt Hedgetrimmer desperate to get me married off, and she's invited herself and Dinah to dinner tomorrow, at the Ritz no less, and I may add, at my expense. They're ganging up on me Peeves."

"A pincer movement Sir."

"Quite so Peeves. So I thought, Peeves is the man, he'll help me get this sorted out."

"Indeed Sir, one will endeavour to do one's best."

"Top hole that man. Thank you Peeves."

"If you'll excuse me Sir, I will 'get right on it' as they say."

"Capital Peeves. Go to old chap."

[Five minutes pass]

"All is in hand Sir. I have taken the liberty of marrying off Miss Swinesfill to one of your even more gormless friends 'Pinky' Finklesnottle. I've also shopped your Aunt Hedgetrimmer to the Amalgamated Union of Nether Toads, with the result that she has seen fit to rather hastily leave the country for an extended trip to Vartsjuk, where she plans to write a treatise on the History of the Fart Joke."

"Peeves, you're amazing. You may burn the old Booster Flannels forthwith."

"Thank you Sir. I have already taken the liberty of doing so Sir."