Complex Numbers

Car Care

I don't really remember why, specifically, I saved this one. Perhaps I did so back when I didn't have a car to deal with.

    How To Clean Car Seats  
Let’s get that moldy cheeseburger cheese out from the seat cushion, okay?

Or you could, you know, not eat a cheeseburger in your car.

So you’ve hopped into your car only to find that something, somewhere, stinks to high heaven. After a little investigative nose work, you’ve discovered part of last week’s Taco Bell Nachos BellGrande fell between the seat and console when you hit a bump. Well, it seems like a great time to clean your car seats!

Or nachos. Or faux-nachos like the ones from Taco Hell.

Look, some things are okay to eat in a car. Anything that drips is not in that set. Crumbs are easier to remove than goo.

Cleaning your car’s interior, as well as regularly maintaining its luster, will not just make your everyday life that much better, it will also contribute to your car’s overall value when you decide to sell it—no used car buyer wants to find someone else’s toenails.

Toenails? Who in the name of all that's holy clips their toenails in the car? Come on.

And with a little elbow grease, a vacuum cleaner, and a bucket of soapy water, your car’s seats can go from trash-pit to palatial palace in just a few hours.

I got tired just reading that sentence. Also, "palatial palace?"

Estimated Time Needed: Two to four hours

Oh hell no.

We know a number of you likely also have children who are confined to child car seats.

Might want to take 'em out of there sometimes, especially when you're not driving them anywhere.

1. Remove the child's car seat from the car.

Okay, so, as you know, I've never had to deal with that sort of thing. And when I was a kid, we didn't have car seats; they just shut us in the trunk to roll around. But it seems to me that this step, alone, takes more than the four hours allotted to the entire car-cleaning marathon. And that's not counting the PhD in Car Seat Installation that you need to strap that sucker back in.

Reupholstering Your Car Seats

Listen, if you've had the car long enough to need the seats reupholstered, no one is going to give a shit if you clean the car, least of all you.

Source: my lived experience.

Getting Out Smoke Smell From Your Car Seats

Are you kidding? That smoke smell ensures that no one ever asks me for a ride anywhere.

It costs zero dollars if you clean your car seats and child seats yourself.

Well, that's a truckload of hokum right there. Way back at the beginning of the article, it listed a bunch of materials you'll need. None of those things are free. Not even the water. Hell, this whole "article" is an ad for car cleaning products.

If you have someone detail your car’s interior, then it could cost anywhere from $50 to a couple thousand dollars depending on who you enlist to do the job and the type of car you have.

And it's absolutely, completely worth every last dollar of that to keep me from having to clean something myself.

Life Hacks To Cleaning Your Car Seats

Important life hack: ignore any "life hacks" you come across on the internet.

Featured Car Seat Cleaning Products

"Zero dollars," my smelly-car-seat-sitting ass.