Therapy session: what do I want?

Trigger 1

Trigger 1

         I work for the Pima County Jail in Tucson Arizona and I like my job. I can see myself grow. Right now, I currently work at the front desk, helping out with the lawyers and the civilians, getting their visitations all set, as well as answering questions and all that wonderful jazz. This job can cause you to see things in a way that can cause sadness, depression and even anger. But most of all frustration. The reason why I brought up my job is because this is the thing that has caused me to see certain triggers that I thought I had bypassed.
I was wrong.
The first thing I’ve noticed is when people start to scream and shout. Start to cause confrontations, it makes my blood turn ice cold. I lose sight of what I am doing and even after the situation has calmed down. I am always looking over my shoulder, almost as if I am waiting for someone to come out of nowhere and attack me. I believe these things happen to me because of what I grew up seeing. I had a very violent step father, mentally and emotionally. He would scream from the bottom of his core and would cause my blood to run cold. He was someone that was unpredictable. Especially when he was angry. One thing is for sure, is that when he had an idea in his mind, there was nothing you could do to make him change his mind. So if he thought I was lying for some odd reason, even when I was not, I was a liar. The man hated me and did everything in his power to exhume me out of my family’s life. I am sure that in time he will be brought up numerous times.
The only thing I can think about as to why I feel as though I have to look over my shoulders is because there were certain times that my step father hurt my mom in front of me, which caused me to be in shock. I remember this one time I woke up from the sounds of his screams. He wanted my mom to come back into the room. I was sleeping in an extra room that was next to the kitchen. My mom was in the kitchen, trying to iron his clothes. I could see that she was trying to ignore him or was trying to avoid the beast from within the bedroom. I remember opening my eyes and was ready to ask my mom what was going on, when out of nowhere the beast comes from behind her and drags her by her hair into the room. What a way to wake up, right? Then the screams begin. Sadly to say, as long as there was sound I was okay? If there was silence… then that would cause alarm. I wouldn’t know what he was doing to her. Later my mom would come out with red eyes and a mark on her face. The beast had struck again. I just never understood why mom would tolerate such a thing. I guess that is another story to tell at another time. I am sure you will notice that this rabbit hole goes deep, deep enough that it has caused more damage than what I wanted to believe.
But I have grown tired all of a sudden. That is enough for today.

2/15/2023