Porthole

4th week of 180. Missoula.

16.april.23

68°F... Ready to do wash today. Didn't know it was so warm. Open up window?

Found my red shorts. I really missed them in Udon.

I'm chilling = getting nothing done.

Wash is done. Window open. Rain moving in?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viBz0ZwHPN0&t=150s

15.april.23

Butterfly Herbs: Nice chat with Joseph. Met up with Liz, Lily. Raven joined us for a moment. Chocolate-lavender milkshake. Now pasta salad.

No lottery winnings in my post office box.

Up early. Sunny now at 1-ish. 11°C in Missoula. Might get down to 26°C this morning in Udon Thani.

Still stressed but getting better.

To Tinker: "I used to read at all hours and setting a book down was a last resort imho.

These days I'm giving away books. Only 5 yesterday. Over 100 to go. I can't take them with me to Thailand or beyond. They need to find new homes."

14.april.23

Very tired early yesterday. Lay down for a nap and then forced myself to sleep through the night.

Up 9-ish. Dark gloomy day. 35 degrees. May warm up to 50.

105 forecast in Udon Thani.

Pannya still not home.

Sat with Jean, Merry, Dalton. Chatted with Dirk.

My anxiety is still high.

13.april.23

Still overwhelmed. Up by 06:ish.

Texted Pannya... he seems a bit better. Sent him a photo of when I was 22.

Saw Kathi, Willie, Monte and David.

Lee and Ben helped me at the bank. I now have an orange atm card.

I can get checks made for my bank here. $2/4. I do use checks... not often.

"It's very hard to ask for help, especially when I don't know what to say.

I want some peace and connection. I want some control over my own life; but, we-all live in assorted communities.

Living in Thailand won't solve my problems; but, it's more peaceful in general; and, personally I feel less threatened in a tolerant culture.

I've fought all my life to keep from drowning in depression and despair. I no longer wish to reside in the Confederate State of Oppression."

I took a nap but woke up in time to chat with Angie. More concerns about Billie Jo.

12.april.23

Totally overwhelmed when I think of Thailand. I need some room to breathe.

Tik-tok: Unity with shit stains... Growth is divisive? Hmm.

I continue to meet lots of people I know.

Chromebook issues; Michael helped. Meatloaf at Sr. Ctr. I didn't get much done.

11.april.23

05:22 I can't fall back to sleep so I may as well get up.

I need to find a flight to Thailand. I hope to come back before May or in early May. I need to talk to my banks. I need to talk to my landlord and pay rent.

8: Howl caught a cold. Grunts and coughs, barely a whisper. What can a wind do if it doesn't blow? Caress a child's cheek, lift and warm the spirits, redirect Spring's clouds. But the howl caught a cold. And now it could barely whisper.

Chat with Pan... I'm a bit upset and worried; but, I have to focus on my own situation. I can't afford to be overwhelmed, shaking due to anxiety, or unable to move due to depression.

My ability to contribute here may be limited.

Met with Merry, Kirk, Birgit and Travis. Saw other folks. Took afternoon nap.

นิยายวาย = ni-yai-wai = BL series

10.april.23

Talked to Bry. Texted Pan. Up too early... around 6. I'm a time-zone zombie.

Commented in "Andre The Blog Monkey's Blog Prompt #3" 

"I've met good cops; but, imho, when many seem to be hired to be thugs. So, I'll blame the city's and town's hiring practices.

Because of corruption I've been warned to never speak to cops in Thailand.

Also, police reflect the mores of whichever community is in power. Usually that isn't women nor people-of-color."

Listened to Buttigieg speak. Did we reach the extent of our inclusiveness? Are we regressing? Unfortunately I agree.

Weekly objectives:
1. Wash clothes this Sunday.
2. Repack for going back. [came across a couple items I neglected last time, but see above]
3. Talk to my banks.
4. Get rid of books. [only 5 taken to Sr.Ctr.]
5. Clean. A. old refrigerator. B. table. C. vacuum/sweep/mop. [nope]

Finances:
A. I have enough baht to get to hostel, pay for two nights and a trip back to Udon.
B. I have enough to pay rent until the end of 2023.
C. I have enough to deposit in a bank in Thailand for a visa.

At the Water’s Edge by Sara Gruen
I Dream of Yellow Kites by Retta Bono

Of kites and flames

At the water's edge
I dream of yellow kites,
and that green umbrella,
keeping me from getting burnt.

I'll burn regardless,
consumed by your flames,
hotter than the sun,
turning water into steam.

[180.15]

Edited in "Of yellow kites and your green umbrella [180.15]" 

Mushroom chai with Jay.

The mystery of the missing items may need some diplomacy... or letting go.

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