My Conversion Story Journal

July 23, 2023

Today we are in the midst of the 9 days of mourning that started on the 1st of Av. In two days, at sundown, we will start a 25 hour fast. The longest fast of the year. Most of the rules for the nine days are practical for someone in mourning: no doing joyous activities, no eating meat, no wearing freshly laundered clothes ( look at your clothes chair and tell me you don't have a week's worth of not dirty but not clean clothes), no certain grooming, etc. The only thing I am struggling with is no music. Never have I ever gone this long without music and I still have 3 more days to go. It's like pieces of my heart are being filled with a void and my joy has taken a back seat to emptiness. How I long for that joy again. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdNS0Tmk-ig Later this week, my heart will sing again and I will dance around my kitchen cooking and cleaning and singing!

I made challah for the first time Friday morning. I used a no kneed dough recipe and was not very impressed. I took it out of the fridge after letting it sit for 3 days (recipe says 2 to 3 days) and immediately knew it had been in there too long. The top was hard and the dough was tough. I know I can do much better. I braided the dough and backed it and used it for Shabbat dinner, but it was not very tasty. It was extra large size loaves and did not have the hallow thunk that it was supposed to have when it came out of the oven. My daughter A2 took 1 bite. That's it. Just 1 bite. She devoured my choldent, but just 1 bite of the challah. I will do much better this week.

My bank card was compromised Friday morning, so I couldn't go to the store to buy anything. That meant the dinner that I was planning to make for Shabbat was not happening. I made a sad rendition of spaghetti with chicken because the only meat I had on hand was canned chicken. It was not tasty either.

Other than the meal tasing like a disaster, it was probably the best Shabbat that I've had yet. I lit the candles, I welcomed in the shabbat, I said kiddush over my wine (grape juice because I don't drink alcohol), I at dinner, I read Torah, I slept in, and I felt amazing Saturday when I woke up. Saturday I ate my roast which had been cooking all night and was tender and falling apart, and the carrots were soft and the potatoes were full of the taste of the onion and the meat and the seasonings. It was a wonderful meal! I read a few chapters in a couple books and read Torah.

I had joined a class on Isaiah with my Hebrew teacher GZ, so I was going through and translating some words and frustration started to overwhelm me. So I changed to Davarim (Deuteronomy) and again became frustrated. I should not be this impatient with my learning, but understanding the Tanach in Hebrew is one of the main reasons why I'm learning Hebrew in the first place. It's like I've been watching a movie series my entire life, and was able to glance at the book series (which we know is always better and in more depth than the movie) but now I have to just sit and watch the books sit on the shelf without the ability to pick them up and read them. It's pure torture. I know I need to be patient, but I'm too impatient to be patient. Thankfully, GZ answered my questions for me, because he's amazing like that, and I felt a bit better and had an amazing restful evening. So restful that I fell asleep before I could read the kiddush to end the shabbat so I will make that a priority this Saturday night.

I woke up on the couch and went upstairs and thanked Hashem for all the wonderful people in my life and an extra thanks for GZ who took time out of his Shabbat to help me be at peace in my own, then slept.

I know I need to be patient with all that I am learning and applying, but as you notice, patience is not my strong suit. I'm learning Hebrew, I'm learning to run a Jewish household. I'm learning new receipes. I'm learning new prayers. I'm learning new holidays and traditions. I'm doing all of this while still working and being a single parent. Even though all my children are now adults, parenting doesn't end. It only changes. There are things I have not been able to do yet that I am looking forward to doing. I still have not been to shul. The rabbi from Traverse City has not called me back. I have not moved to a Jewish community, which I will need to do eventually to finish my conversion. I have not been to a Jewish concert, which will happen eventually also. And I haven't been able to set up a kosher kitchen yet. The day I step out of the mikvah, it will be done.

Here's to a new week of learning and growing in my walk with Hashem!