My Conversion Story Journal

July 30, 2023

Having raised four children who are now all adults and living lives of their own, I have been asked, "What made you want to convert now?" Going through this process, I can say that a person needs to be whole and prepared and willing to have the focus of their lives on Hashem. After spending 12 years healing, I know I would not have been able to emotionally handle all the triumphs and set backs that I am experiencing with my conversion. I know that my focus over the past 12 years was taking care of my children before anything else. That meant working two jobs and going to college full time for 6 years and sleeping only a few hours a night. How could I posssibly have made time to learn all that I am learning now. I would have been too overwhelmed. Then there is the spiritual reasons. Remember that I attended church up to 4 times a week (more if there was a revival). I needed that time to question, to grow spiritually closer to God and away from the church. The more I attended, the more I questioned. The amount of devotion to God that is required to live a devout Orthodox Jewish life is even greater than all the time I spent in the church. Again, while raising 4 children alone, working two jobs, and college full time, how could I have figured out time to study and live a new way of life and teach my children as I learned? So though I am not young, I trust Hashem's timing in my life. He knew when and walked with me through my slow decision process until I got it at the moment of his choosing.

There are verses that I used to get me through my healing that I still cling to and still shapes my worship and thought process.

Nehemiah 8:10 - "...Do not be sad, for your rejoicing in the Lord is the source of your strength."
This verse is why you will rarely see me without a smile on my face. I have so many things to be thankful for and Hashem has never abandoned me. He has given me strength to go on even on days that I thought I couldn't. Hashem is my source of strength then and now and always.

Psalm 143:8 - "Let me hear your kindness in the morning, for I hope in you; let me know the way in which I am to go, for to You I have lifted up my soul."
I have leaned on G-d for everything and hoped in Him and trusted in Him when the entire world felt against me. He has always been my rock. His word and comfort guided me through my darkest hours and to where I am today. Because I have talked to Him from the moment I wake, until the moment I fall asleep, learnig to pray and give thanks is a priority. I still trust you Hashem to guide me.

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the thoughts that I think about you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
I know that Hashem wants good things for me. So, when I feel down and cry out to G-d, I know he listens and hears. I know that he will work things out for me in the end. I will be okay. Though my plans may not be His plans and I get down, I am always trusting because He is guiding me. When anyone asks me how I am doing, I reply, "Fantastic!" because I have the King of the Universe directing my steps and working things out for my good. The closest that I have learned in Hebrew to this is "Nehedar" which means "magnificent!"

Psalm 1: 1-6 "Blessed is the man that walketh not in the council of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful, but his delight is in the law of the Lord. And in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither, and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgement nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish."
This chapter is not quite translated correctly from Hebrew, and I know that. However, this is the first chapter that I memorized while attending RU and healing and growing closer to G-d. The correct words and the change of the verb tense does not change the meaning for me. I have tried every day to follow G-d and have everything I do and everything I say honor him. I have walked away from those that I know were bad influences and clung to those who aided my walk and worship of G-d. I have been careful with the council that I have accepted during my conversion. I know that by continuing to follow Hashem and follow his statutes and his laws, everything will be okay. I will be okay, always.

There are so many more that have helped me become the person I am today and continue to guide me closer to my king and redeemer. Thank you Hashem. You have my yesterdays, you have my todays, and you have my tomorrows. I love you with all that I am and all that I have.