My Conversion Story Journal

July 31, 2023

I'm not sure what triggered me today, but I am definitely struggling today. The more learn, the harder I study, and the more I incorporate G-d into all that I do, all that I say, and all that I am, the more I struggle with the fact that I didn't get it together enough to do this a long time ago when I first started questioning. I understand why now, as I mentioned in previous entries, but my heart longs for more time. What will I get, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, maybe, to live the life that G-d wants me to live.

Also, the more that I study and observe the Orthadox Jewish life, the more I regret not having had the chance to raise my children to do the same. I understand how confusing it would be for a child to go from observing Christianity to Judaism with everyone around you still being a Christian, but it would have been wonderful to have them have the chance to feel this close to Hashem. For the chance to have been able to say a blessing over them ever Friday night as we celebrated our time together and spent time as a family. We did have dinners together and family game nights with not screen time, but it's not like it could have been. I know I will get to teach my children some things, be a good example, and teach and educate my grandchildren (when I have some), but I can't help to think what could have been.

When I talked with my very American Rabbi, he said, "I don't know, but I've heard that before," and it made me feel that I am not alone in my feelings. That all my struggles others have gone through before. Daily, I am understanding who I was, who I am, and who I will be. I don't always like who I was, and even though I like who I am now, I can't wait to meet the person that I will be. I think about the day I emerge from the mikvah a new person with a new identity and a new name. So, on days like today, I lean on the grace of Hashem, I pick up my pencil, and I study Hebrew.