My Conversion Story Journal

August 3, 2023

There are many things I love about Judaism. I love the prayers, I love the traditions, I love that everything I do and think and eat all have God at the center of it. As I think about preparing to go back to teaching full time, I worry that my job will suck more energy out of me than I can give and still be as heavy into learning as I am now. I love having the time to read books on how to run a Jewish household, read about Jewish wisdom, study Torah alone and with others, and learn the Hebrew language. I don't want to miss out on any part of the life that I am falling in love with living.

With that being said, part of me also feels guilty. Because I do plan to complete my conversion, I must move to a Jewish community. To do this, I will have to give up my job. I do not see a way to keep my current position at my current school and live in a Jewish community. I now live in the middle of nowhere, basically. That means there are no kosher markets or cafes. Also, that means there are no synagogues. To complete my conversion, I must move. I will move.

What makes me feel guilty is how invested I am in the community that I serve and in the school in which I work. I don't only teach during the school day, I tutor after school, I run a crochet club, I volunteer to chaperone dances and activity nights, I am class advisor, I run concessions for the sports boosters, I am a mentor to a probationary teacher, and I was just informed by my boss that I am being recommended for department chair. I do all of these things because I love my students and my community. I feel as though I am able to give a small piece of myself and give these students a few hours of safety and love and a few years of good memories.

At my last evaluation, my boss told me that he loves that I have become the school mom. When I move, will someone step up and fill that gap? Will I have a chance to give myself and my heart to students at another school. WIll I even fit into another school and a Jewish community?

Wishing there was a synagogue closer so I could become the person that I know, without a doubt that God wants me to be, and I want to become, will not solve my problem.I have to make a choice. I have made a choice.

I trust you, Lord with my todays and tomorrows. Where you are leading, I am willingly following.