My Conversion Story Journal

August 5, 2023

Some days there is a lot to process, and today is no exception.

First I am happy to say that my challah came out perfectly. I pulled it out of the oven just before my daughter was about to walk out the door to go to work on Friday. I cut her a piece of fresh challah from one of the loaves and tried a piece myself after she left. It was everything I expected challah to be. I did a few things different than what the receipe called for. I put in a little less sugar, courser salt, kept it in the fridge for two days (less than 48 hours technically), and split the dough into 4 loaves instead of the 2. I wish I could figure out how to upload a photo, because all the loaves looked as beautiful as they did last time, but also tasted wonderful this time. It actually tasted so good that I ate over half of a loaf by myself. Let's just say finishing my dinner salad was not possible, and I may be increasing my mileage on my elliptical a bit earlier than planned.

My daughter D2 and her husband T came over Saturday and enjoyed dinner and games. They polished off the entire batch of brownies that made and most of a container of cookies. We played two board games, cheater's edition Monopoly and a game whose name escapes my memory. There was a lot of laughter (most at me) when we played Monopoly. The point of the game is to try to win by cheating. I cannot lie without laughing or telling the truth so I was caught almost every time and they loved that I kept trying even though my attempts were so obvious. I am glad that my inability to lie caused so much happiness. I definitely did not win that game. The second game we played was interesting with no cheating involved. We built settlements and roads and collected resources. It was interesting and one that I didn't want to end so quickly. I didn't win that one either, but the hours of playing these games seemed to fly by.

Of course with all the happiness and family fun, there were changes in the normal family game night routine. They were concious about keeping lights on and corrected one another when someone turned them off. Turning off lights is a normal thing to teach children to do when they leave a room. My daughters D2 and A2 are struggling a bit with the contradiction between Shabbat rules and their upbringing. Then there was the questions about what I was doing talking to my food before I took a bite. Of course, I could not answer until I finished the bite as not to take the Lord's name in vain. I told her I was saying my brucha or blessing before I ate. I was eating one cookie (I didn't need more than that after all the bread I ate), and she was amazed that I would do it over something so small. She said, "So it's like you used to do, but more." Meaning that always have prayed before a meal but now I do before I eat anything regardless of the amount. While that is true, I do pray before I eat anything regardless of size, it also is before drinking anything, before getting out of bed (one of my favorites), after washing my hands, before reading scripture, before geoing to bed, when smelling good fragrences, and so much more. The question caught me off guard and I didn't know how to explain the difference, so I just replied, "Yes."

Another challenge is not looking at my phone. Not looking at my phone would have saved me worry and stress today. My boss texted me and asked me to open a test for a student still working on his summer classes because the student was in the hospital during summer school. I am not supposed to work on Shabbat so opening a test is breaking that sabbath. My mind was not on keeping rules of the sabbath but on the needs of that one student and wanting to see him succeed, so my laptop opened, I logged into the summer school program and I opened the test. My boss called me a saint, but I didn't feel like a saint. I felt guilt. I worked which is forbidden. Though those few clicks was the easiest part of my job for summer school, it was still part of my job. The fact that my boss said I could put in time on a time card to be paid for that time just makes it worse. Did I take away time that was supposed to be dedicated to honoring G-d to unlock a test for a student who might not even take the test today? Is G-d disappointed that I didn't say that I would do it tomorrow? Which, by the way, never even occured to me to do.

Not looking at my phone would have saved me from a tough conversation with my brother as well. My youngest brother is a messianic jew. He converted some time ago, and I spent a long time convincing our dad that he is not in a cult. I have watched my brother struggle with his faith for a while, and at one point, he said he didn't believe in God. I have always encouraged him and told him that God is there and still loving him whether he believes it or not. My conversion is not easy for him. He doesn't understand how I can go from attending church 4 times a week to not believing in Jesus (though I never believed he was God) and going full orthodox. My brother and I have limited interactions.

We only met when he was in high school, and I was a single mother of 4. We saw each other a few years ago at a Thanksgiving dinner and took an awkward photo (since we were siblings and the only single ones there) with his children (he is a single dad of 3) and my younges (only one left at home). Before that we saw each other at the hospital when our dad had a heart attack, and it was years before that when we were just getting to know one another. I understand with his limited contact that he is struggling with my conversion, and I can't answer all of his questions and could only say that I believe in the 13 principles of faith and the Tanach. Being a messianic jew, he of course knows what those are, but we ended our conversation with him not satisfied. I had to focus on my daughter and her husband waiting for me to get off the phone and I didn't know how to explain away his reservations about my choice. I know our conversation isn't over, but I could feel his disappointment miles away.

Lord, you are my rock and my strength. It is in you I trust.

Shavua Tov everyone.