My Conversion Story Journal

October 18, 2023

Some days I feel as though I am in an awkward position looking at a life from the outside. As a person who is just at the infant stages of conversion, I am looking through the window at a life not yet mine and detached from all happiness, celebrations, and pain.

Then there are days, like this week, where happiness, family, and pain hits home. I am no longer looking through the window, I am in the middle of the room watching events occur around me, interacting, and wanting to do more.

I am so blessed to have amazing people in my life that I have met along this journey. To list them all would be difficult, but they all have such a large impact on my heart. I have come to know some people that have changed my mind, my heart, and my life...forever.

The past month was full of holidays, dancing, laughing, singing, praying, and learning. All of my tutors, my rabbis, and my friends were celebrating and joyous. These past ten days have been very different. You cannot be a Jew anywhere in the world and not be affected by the war in Israel, it is directly affecting millions of people around the world, including those that I have grown to care about.

My Hebrew tutor GZ, who I have gotten to know and call a friend has never been shy about sharing his views. He has family in Israel, as most Jews do, but is dealing with a war at home as well. He shared a news story and article with me about his rabbi whose house was egged and a swastika was drawn on the window of his house. Why was this done? Because his house is also the community's place of worship, their Chabad synagogue. The article and video can be found here: https://bc.ctvnews.ca/b-c-rabbi-s-house-egged-vandalized-with-anti-semitic-graff...

My prayer tutor L, who I have shared many late night conversations with about faith, and family, and life, shared with me the picture showing his father on the train on his way to a concentration camp (photo attached with L's permission). As a son of two holocaust survivors and a former IDF (Israel Defense Forces) soldier, he has so many stories to tell and a unique perspective to share about events in history and events happening today.

I follow many different organizations on YouTube. The IDF is one of them. Some of their videos are encouraging and some are heartbreaking. Seeing a house shot up by HAMAS terrorists and blood in the beds, including the children's beds and the crib, is heartbreaking. I know everyone has heard about the beheading of the children and the other atrocities that have occurred during the invasion of Israel. There is a video that really got to me this week https://youtube.com/shorts/6R6_L11-tVk?si=oSScWpXmB_giFown It is of a soldier starting with, "Let's play a game" and then says to put a finger down for each of the things she describes, rockets launched at your home, if your social media is flooded with obituaries, if you believed that the last text you sent to your friends would be their last message ever, if someone you know is missing, kidnapped, or slaughtered by HAMAS terrorists, and if you haven't been the same and will never be the same since the invasion occurred. The soldier had all five fingers down and 7 million others have all five fingers down as well.

The news continues to break my heart.

Why then would I still want to convert to becoming a part of a people who are so targeted throughout history and even today? I will tell you.

GZ continues to teach me on a daily basis with joy, laughter, humor, and acceptance. He still takes time to support me in my learning and in other ways that show he is a real friend. L still stays up late with me praying with me, singing through prayers with me, laughing with me, crying with me, and giving a part of his enormous heart to the world around him. Community members are still reaching out and messaging me to let me know that security will be increased so I don't have to worry coming to shul this weekend, and being supportive in other ways, including opening their homes for me stay so I can attend shul and not have to drive so far in one day. When my host S, who opened her home to me multiple weekends over the high holidays was asked if she had any family in Israel, her reply, "Only 7 million of them" was a show of her heart for all Jews. But she is not the only one who feels that way, all Jews do. The love and support they have for one another is unparalleled in any other community on earth.

Then there are all of the videos of the IDF and soldiers that are an inspiration. What is the main focus of the IDF's message for those wanting to help? Pray your prayers morning, noon, and evening. Be observant. Give to charity. Be kind to others. And, of course, learn Torah. Out of every message that I have seen, the overarching theme is to strengthen your faith (emunah) in Hashem (G-d). This is one of the many videos with this message that I found quite inspiring this week. Thank you L for sharing it with me.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CycwmyeOhf-/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA%3D%3D&fbclid=I...

The inspiration of these soldiers and their faith does not stop there. I saw a video of soldiers that rescued a Torah scroll from a village that was pillaged and residents murdered. Posted by Living Lchaim https://youtube.com/shorts/97ZvXH8eTk8?si=-SyjyN0G7GtmELGC you can hear the singing and celebration for the rescue of the sacred text. Living Lchaim has no end to videos of soldiers singing songs on Shabbat and songs of praise to Hashem while they are guarding buildings and driving military vehicles, and sitting in dirt trenches with their guns. Faith is what is most important. Faith in Hashem is what matters.

I made my decision to convert to Judaism knowing the history of hatred for the people whose main purpose in life to praise and live for Hashem, but I want to do that too. It is my love for G-d and my desire to worship him the way he wants me to worship him and to pray to him the way he wants me to pray to him and to live the life that he wants me to live that convinced me to convert. I had no knowledge of the the amazing people that I would be so blessed to meet on this journey. I had no idea that a war would occur and I would watch as those amazing people pray to their creator through tears of pain and hope. I had no idea that I would be willing to change my entire life and walk away from dreams that I once wanted and I life I enjoyed living for a new dream and a new life. I would be proud to call the people I have had the pleasure to meet, on this journey, my family and I still hope to some day.

My belief in Hashem has not changed. He was, he is, and he will be one for all eternity. My faith in Hashem has not changed. He leads me, he guides me, he directs my steps. There is no waver of faith or question of my decision. I know where I stand and who I stand with, and someday, these wonderful friends and community members that I have grown to care for and love will be my family. I am still converting without reservation. I am going to shul on Shabbat because there is no place on earth I would rather be than with my people and my G-d, our G-d.