My Conversion Story Journal

October 24, 2023

Being a convert is not easy. I spent a large amount of my life going to church and listening to church theology. Some sayings are hard to get out of my brain and I fight with my thoughts often. It's not that I'm questioning my choice of conversion, but the exact opposite. It's anger at myself for not doing it sooner. It's sorrow for not having the opportunity to raise my kids in this life. It's disgust at the thoughts that come to the surface and the long conversations with G-d that follow those thoughts.

I hear the name of Jesus all the time in many conversations, and hear the common phrases that he is watching over me and comforting me. Most of the time, it is easy to ignore those situations and just smile and keep going. Today, however, is not one of those days, and I am struggling.

If it wasn't so clear the direction that G-d wants for my life, I would hide away and just do my studying and learning and not have to be exposed to the world that I am trying to leave behind for one much better. Of course, I cannot hide myself away. So, I will be hard on myself for a little bit. Then I will get over myself and just keep going.

Tonight I am focusing on the things that are important, reading Tehillim, praying for the soldiers of Israel and the hostages (the one by name repeatedly all day long), attending my Hebrew Conversation class, discussing Isaiah in Hebrew, making challah, studying the morning blessings in Hebrew, and praying.

I will be back to myself by morning and be filled with joy as normal and no longer focusing my struggles but filled with joy because, like Nechemiah 8:10 says, "The joy of the L-rd is my strength."