Potty Pants Tales

Officer Poopypants

Riding Dirty

“This is the police!” Officer Poopypants barked as he blasted open the doors of the diner. “Where’s the little boy’s room!?” He interrogated as he hold his bubbling stomach. “Oh! It-it’s to your right, and then another right!” the lithe, chicken hostess said, pointing. Officer Poopypants shuffled down the hall with his hands holding his butt cheeks together. He threw the handle on the door only to find it locked. “Hey buddy, this is the police! Officer on duty!” He said pressing into his stomach. “Ooh, or about to be...” he mumbled.

“Huh? Oh, alright, I’m almost done!” The voice inside said, hastily wrapping together some toilet paper. “Nuh uh buddy, I gotta get in there NOW!” the officer growled outside the door. “Okay, okay!” The voice inside said, the officer wobbling his knees. “You got till the count of three! ONE!” He pounded on the door. “Two!” He said, bouncing from the heated bubbling in his belly. “Th...” He said, loud gurgling drowning him out, followed by a sigh. “Ahhh…Man. Darn it! Alright buddy, I don’t need it no more.” He said rather smoothly, settling into a crouch as his underwear expanded slowly. He cleared his throat. “Ah, ahh, no need to worry customers!” He said with his hands on his knees. “Nothing to worry about...Just takin’ care of business back here...” He said, looking off to the side as his black slacks blew up like a balloon.

Officer Poopypants leisurely strolled out of the diner, with a heavy pair of trousers hanging underneath him. The radio on his belt began to speak to him. “Officer Poopypants, what’s your status?” The radio screeched. “Uh, good, good. Still in pursuit. The detour I went to take was...Um, blocked.” He said, looking around. “10-4 Poopypants,” the radio emitted. “Continue west via bicycle as best you can.” It fizzled out. Poopypants arrived at his bicycle, unchaining it. “Dohhh...Another pair o’ pants with a bicycle seat imprint on it! Whatever, it’ll have to do this time...” He said, graciously heaving himself over the seat and coming down, his mushy trousers hanging over the seat like a muffin top, pedaling along as best he could.

15 minutes of squishy pedaling began to irritate Officer Poopypants. “Awwright, that’s it! That punk’s comin’ in right now!” He said, his loaded pants rising off the seat. “Here I come!” He said, his legs powering on, grinding his way to intercept the fleeing suspect.

A dark hooded fox motorcycle his way through traffic, police, and thin alleyways. He look behind him and see no cars, but one solitary bump on the horizon shaped like a bicyclist. “Hey, you jerk!” He heard booming from behind him. The figure got bigger and bigger, a round, bulky wolf pedaling a bicycle with huge looking pants swinging behind him. “I was forced to take a dump in my pants because a’ you!” He shouted as he got closer. The fox tried to get as far away as possible before his wheel began to wobble, the bicyclist beginning to chase him into more narrow, difficult places. The fox spun out and slid towards a pile of boxes as Officer Poopypants screeched and squished to a halt.

“Great work, Poopypants!” A crow in a blue police outfit waved as the fox were lead along in hand cuffs. “Haha, it was nothin’! Only cost me...” He looked behind himself. “Yeah, I’m gonna need a new pair of pants after this one.” He said walking off with the suspect. “Oh, you don’t want him to come with me? I’m closer.” The crow asked. “Ohh, nuh huh, I’m giving this one a nice, long ride to the station.” He said, chuckling to himself. They walked for about 25 more minutes before the fox was thrown in the back seat with large wolf hands. “Alright, buddy, we’re takin’ the long way home! Windows up, and my A/C’s broken, heh heh.” The fox listened as a concerned frown formed on his face. “I’ll show ya the view! The bay, the stadium, the malls...Once or twice!” He said, pulling up his droopy trousers, opening his door. “Oh yeah, I think you’re gonna have a great time!” He said, his bottom crash down on the seat with a loud, audible squish for the hour long ride to the station.


“Night Wing?”
“Here!”
“Blue Mesa!”
“Here!”
“Silver Fang!”
“Here!”
“Rosy the Rascal?”
“Here!”
“Boomer?”
“I’m here!”
“Kuwanger?”
“Here!”
“Poopypants!...Poopypants?”
“...Oh, oh, I’m present.” He waved up as he slid the front of his phone.

///

From: Poopypants@Blackwind@Department
Subject: Annual Men’s PD Farting Contest!

Next Thursday is the Blackwind PD’s annual farting contest, fellas! I know none of you guys can take me, but I’ll explain it again for the uninitiated. Thursday, Men’s Room, don’t ask, don’t tell until all is said and done! Sit next to me before the last stall and see if you can blow me away. As usual $50 bucks says I’m a better butt trumpet than you’ve ever seen!

---

One by one, within the off-pink walls of the men’s room in the Police Department, bubbling hopefuls were blown away one by one by the sly, hulking wolf in the last stall. He dance side to side, content in his assured victory, casually reading a newspaper to pass his down time. Any time of the day, down time was spent playing louder, more complex notes than the rest of the performers. While there were some promising candidates, that wolf in the last stall blasted away every potential challenger.

The wolf’s golden instrument still feeling strong, he then felt a presence on the walls of the bathroom that wasn’t familiar to him. It might have been a neighboring town’s officer, or even the police chief could have been called in. The stall to his right seemed to fill up more than usual, a very strong presence emanated from the neighboring stall. The figure sat down, and began a concerto of trumpeting that rang througout the walls.

The wolf sat back. “Wow, some competition!” He thought, looking more amazed the longer the performance go on. He waited until it ceased, took a deep breath, and performed his own concerto, moving in conjunction with his own trumpeting. He relaxed his legs as he come to a close. “Not bad, but beat that!” He thought again to himself. He heard but the sound of two feet widening in what felt like the calm before the storm. An encore boomed from the neighboring stall, a more subtle version, but one whose presence faded away gradually. The officer in the last stall had met his match, only being able to perform a few, weak trumpet scales in response.

The officer slid the $50 underneath the stall where it was received graciously by a gray hand. “Wow, buddy, that’s the first time that’s ever happened! Come on, I gotta shake your hand!” He said, walking out of his own stall. “Only if we wash our hands, first!” Came a sweet, playful voice. The wolf arched his eyebrows as he came out, only to find a curvaceous neighbor—a hippopotamus from the women’s side of the PD. “I simply have to do something...I really think I shoulda slid my pants down before that.” She nodded awkwardly, as the wolf chuckle to himself, looking in relative pity towards the policemen standing, giggling outside the door.

///

“Everyone just remain calm, we are investigating the cause right now!” He said, trying to shush the others. “Who is ‘we’? You’re the only cop in this elevator, aren’t you? The dog look back to 4 other people. “I know there’s a problem but what’s the ridiculous smell?” He said, waving the air. “Uhh, now let’s just calm down...It could have been any one of us, let’s just pretend it didn’t happen.” He said, making calming gestures as his radio went off. “Officer Poopypants?” It blared in the elevator, causing the Officer to spin around, holding his subtly sagging rear as he adjust the volume on his radio. “Uh, yes, Officer..P...Po32gad5c/s4…Speaking! Whaddaya want!?” He growled into the reciever. “Dude, so you hop into an elevator after pooping your pants, then it stops in the middle? Ha ha ha!” The voice on the other end cackled.

“Shuddap!” Poopypants growled into the radio. “First floor had a lotta people, and I wasn’t gonna jog up stairs with...Well, you know!” He said, collecting his seat with his other hand. “Another day, another pair of pants for you, eh?” The voice responded. “Don’t worry, we called the fire department to save your loaded butt. Just have fun in the meantime.” The voice fizzled out. Poopypants fixed his belt as he felt eyes on his rear, spinning around.

“Uhh, I’ve just gotten word that the fire department will be fixing the issue shortly. Until then, let’s just...” Officer Poopypant’s voice became drowned out with voices of concern. “Oh but that’s just so horrible!” one of the others said. “Yeah, who did that?” Another said, the shirt over their nose. “Umm...Like I said, we’ll um, investigate that issue when the time is appropriate. The concern right now is the eleva...” He was drowned out yet again. “Yeah so what, probably someone forgot to flip a switch somewhere, we’re fine, this happens all the time. But, yeesh!” Yet another voiced their concern. “I hope you arrest whoever would do something so terrible, ugh!” The last one splurted. “Oh, I don’t think so, I feel once we’re all safe again nothing like that will be necessary.” He said, shaping his drooping rear into a less conspicuous shape.

“We can make a citizen’s arrest, right? Or complain to a supervisor, of everyone involved here, right?” Some of them began to nod. “N-now wait just a minute, I will tell you who’s gonna be arrested and who’s not!” He said after quickly patting his less suspicious rear. “I know! Why doesn’t everyone just turn around? We’ll see who did it that way!” One of them said, beginning to cheer a bit. “Alright, let’s see what we got here!” Another said, ordering others around. Officer Poopypants spread his legs slightly and winced a bit. “Uhh, well, listen, citizen...I gotta go by my own orders, I can’t just be bossed around like uh, just anyone!” He said, fixed in his stance. “Hey I know! All of you turn around, this is an order from the police! Close your eyes! And um...I’ll know for sure who it is.” He said, noding weakly. The others shrugged their shoulders, and all turned around, face to the wall, clearly showing off their suspected posteriors. Poopypants nodded again and pretended to inspect. “Ah, mhm...Mhm...Looks good...”

He paused a minute. “Oh, oh I see what we’ve got going on!” He said, looking sheepishly at the ceiling. “It was you!” He said, the others starting to turn around. “Uh, you who, um, know who I’m talking about. I won’t tell the others, but I’ll talk to you once we’re outside! Yeah!” He said, folding his arms and nodding. They all stood in relative agreement for a solid ten minutes.

The firemen and hotel staff were standing outside the door. “Oh, thank goodness you’re safe!” The manager said to everyone inside, the watchers beginning to wave their hands slightly in front of their faces. Soon the police had arrived, spotting the Officer in the elevator. “Thank goodness is right,” one of the riders said. “Now we can figure out who would do such a...” The big wolf sped past every elevator passenger. “Alright, alright, move along! Officer on duty, people!” He said, working his way through the crowd, his droopy pants swinging behind him. “Listen folks, sorry for letting that other culprit get away, seeya!” He said, shuffling out the front door and plopping into his police car.

///

“But I gotta--” Poopypants was cut off immediately. “Nope, I knew you took a dump when you came in here!” The other officer said. “Just get out there and take this traffic detail, just direct!” She said, pushing him from behind his car. “No no no, I just gotta--” he was cut off again. “I don’t wanna hear it!” She said, jumping into her car. Officer Poopypants wobbled out into the middle of the road, crossing his legs and bobbing from side to side. “Grrr! Come on, I just hafta pee!” He grumbled to himself, directing traffic. An hour had gone by, Poopypants directing with one hand, his other hand locked between his legs. He wobbled in place, wiggling his hips as he point in one direction, then another.

At least half and hour had passed as the sun had started to set. Officer Poopypants twitched and wobbled as he walked, now directing traffic with his tail as both of his hands were now stuffed between his legs. He panted for a few more minutes before another police car came by and parked at the scene. The Officer got out, seeing a ragged Poopypants run behind their car. “Oh thank god, I gotta pee so bad!” He ran behind the vehicle. “Huh? You’re...Not urinating in public are you?” The officer asked. “Nah, nope, nope, it’s all in my pants. I ain’t gonna make it.” He said, folding his arms as the bottom of his slacks spray and splash into a continuous puddle. The officer nodded. “Oh, that’s great news, actually!” He nodded. “Lemme see!” He said, looking at Poopypant’s cascading pants. “I came to tell you you gotta take the night detail too, the repairmen won’t be ready for a while.” He said nodding. Poopypants growled and shifted in his puddle. “WHAT? Why are you so happy? And why do I gotta do it?”

The next day, several drivers had come by to talk to others and police officers about the night before. “That was such a great idea, the guy directing traffic had shiny pants!” The other driver nodded. “Yeah, you can’t usually see so well at that time of night, but one headlight lit up the area, and the area he was walking around in, right?” The other driver nodded. “Uh huh! Reflector pants! really smart idea!” They both nodded.

///

“Uh...Alright kid, time’s up, gotta come out!” Officer Poopypants banged on the port-o-potty, a hand pressing a newspaper underneath his tail. “Wuhh?” The voice inside responded. “Oh jeez, uh, kid, little boy, or girl, whatever...I have to go to the bath-room! Bath-room!” He nodded as he said through the slats in the door. “Bah-fwoom?” The child inside wondered. “Um, uh...Aw man. Um, Potty! Policeman um, have to go potty! Pott-y!” He said rather grumpily at the door. The child remain silent as the newspaper pressed against his bottom.

“My name’s Off-fic-cer Poo-py-pants!” He says towards the door. “Poodypants!” the child said inside with a giggle. “Aww, shuddap!” He barked. “And now, I gots to go poo-poo!” He said in a sing-song fashion. He only now noticed there being a fair amount of people in the area, glancing above their phones and over their glasses at the park’s port-a-potty. “Poo poo, wee wee?” The child said through the door. “Nuh-uh, it’s poo poo! He tip toed in place. “Ca-ca, poo-poo, um, doo doo!” He say in an increasingly harsh voice. Inside the port a potty came only a confused whine. “Ugh! Look, uh, listen!” Poopypants pressed in his rear harder. “Offi-suwh gots to go poo poo!” He said in a very patronizing voice. “Um, he ‘bout to go poo poo in his pants! Got to ow-dew new expensive pants off da internaw powice officiaw stowe!” He says, bouncing up and down. “Ooh! Offi-suwh gonna go poo poo in his dye-dee!” He put his gloved thumb in his mouth to complete the character, holding his rear with his newspaper, flatulence beginning to blow it away. He look to the side of him to find at least double the people in the area, mostly looking at least somewhere near the Officer. The door bumped against his shoulder as a small feline came out in only a shirt and a diaper. “Fank Yoo!” The Officer slinked into the port-o-potty, his pants coming down before closing the door. “Yoo wewcome!” The kid said before walking into the crowd, being picked up by mommy. Poopypants sat on the throne, conducting his very urgent, very involved business. “Ahhh.” He said as his radio fizzle on. “Poopypants, what’s your situation?” The voice asked. Poopypants hit the talk button and sighed. “Goin’ poo poo, aw-most went doo-dy in my dye-dee.” He said lazily. “What?” Said the radio. “Eerr, um, whoops! Sorry about that! I almost uh, needed to take my break early is all. All’s clear.” He said, laying back. “No no, it’s fine, I got what you said. You ALMOST didn’t made it? Meaning you actually made it this time?” The radio fizzled, Poopypants raising his eyebrow. “Hey, officer Night Wing, you owe me ten bucks!”

///

A weasel and a ferret sat on a simple bench in some dim light. “You do it?” The ferret whispered. The weasel nodded, and nodded his head towards the end of the room. “Yeah, he didn’t see me. I put the whole packet in his coffee—he’ll be running to the bathroom before someone else can get here. We’ll be out the front door, just like that.” The weasel whispered back. The ferret looked at the desk, occupied by a certain rotund wolf. “Got it.” He nodded. “Say, do you just...carry medical grade laxative around for fun?” He asked under his breath. “Hey, it came in handy, didn’t it?” The weasel retorted.

The Officer downed his large coffee in one gulp, licking his lips as he examine his newspaper, and then one more to finish it off, as the two ragged figures on the bench began to grin. “You wanna tell me now what you were doing with all those mean-lookin’ toys between electronic shipments at 1 AM?” The Officer said, clinking his mug down on the desk. “What, that’s illegal? Tell me what’s so illegal about that!” The weasel protested, biding his time. “Oh, suuure, never heard that one before.” The wolf said, straightening out his newspaper. “Tell me more about how you were gonna use the crowbars for some late night manhole adjusting, or friendly crate opening. Heh, heh...Man hole.” He said, turning away in his chair. The weasel continued. “Yes, that’s right.” He nodded. “I can do that if I want! It’s a free country! So, you really might as well just let us go, since we literally did nothing wrong.” He said, sitting forward, looking at the station’s front door. The officer, wheeled around to face the two. “Yeah, yeah, okay. We’re just gonna double ch...” He bit his lip, pausing.

“….We’re gonna double check is ah—ahh.” He said, wheeling back around, clearing his throat. “Just sit tight. We’ll see real soon.” He said, looking around the room. The two sitting on the bench both sat forward, also surveying the room just in case. “You know, it’s dangerous outsiiiiiiii-ah, ahh man, outside it’s...Something eeeelssseeee...” He groaned, sharply cutting his into his observation. “Ahem, something else, what with all these uh, robberies going on at nnn...Hnnhggh...” He said meekly, sitting forward at his desk, clasping his hands and fiddling with his thumbs. The weasel continued sitting forward while the ferret glance at the weasel, somewhat expectantly. The officer’s eyes darted around the room, bouncing in his seat. “Ooh. Ooh, come on, someone’s gonna deal with you real soon.” He said, spreading his legs suddenly as his tail wagged. Everyone was still for a few minutes, eventually being perforated by the bubbling cauldron behind the desk.

“Aaaany minute now.” The officer said, bouncing, twiddling his thumbs. “Aaany minute now, someone’s gonna come and--” He said, a sharp rumble bubbling over his speech. “Ooh! ooh boy, come on, come on!” He said, fiddling for his radio, bouncing as he fixed the frequency. “Hello 10-4 this is Officer Poopypants requestingAReplacementForWatchingTheSuspectsJustAFewMinu—Aaagh!” He shrieked, his jaw dropping as he froze in place. “Officer Poopypants?” The radio fizzled. “Uh...Um...What I mean is...” He looked to and fro as he leaned forward. “Uh...Nothing, just uh, cancel that uh...last...” He said, his eyelids drooping. “Whew. Nevermind.” He said in a mixed feeling of frustration and relaxation. “Oh. Oh, alright then. Hey, he did it again...” The radio fizzled out. Officer Poopypants leaned forward with both elbows on the table, with only the sound of soft, quick plopping echoing within the room. He whistled. “Oh man, now that’s what I’m talkin’ about.” He said in a goofy tone, his tongue hanging out of his large jowls. The ferret looked over to the Weasel, a shocked look on both of their faces. “This is all your fault.” The ferret whispered angrily.

The main room of the Police Department was decidedly quiet, though the environment was anything but calm. To one end, a rather content officer gingerly sat back in his seat with trousers that could only be described as “completely full”, and at the other end, two very unfortunate Mustelidae sat on a hard bench, trying to distance themselves as far as possible from the Officer’s position. “Oh jeez! The weasel waved in front of his face. “They just don’t do ‘good cop, bad cop’ here, do they?” He groaned, trying to fiddle with the window behind them. The ferret cleared her throat. “Alright, alright! It was us, we’ve been stealing electronics from Better Buy at night! We’ve been doing it the past week, just take us to the jail cells!” She said while being swatted by the weasel. Poopypants sat up with a squish. “Ah? What’s that now?” He asked. “We did it! We did it!” The two on the bench professed. The officer scratched his chin. “Hm, Better Buy? Where did we pick you up tonight again?...” He said, fiddling with his fingers. “I thought they were looking for the guys hitting up The More Sharp Image.” He said, casually looking at the two. “Isn’t that right? Man, we already put that in the report...” He said, thinking to himself. “Ah, well if that’s the case, it’s not gonna hold water! We can’t do nothin’ to you tonight! Har har har!” He laughed, his chair creaking and squishing. “Uhh...Sure! That means we can go, right!?” The ferret desperately asked. “Oh wait! The other officers have to confirm what I did tonight. Gotta wait for em.” He said, turning on the television in the corner. “Hey, wanna watch the debate?” He said, casually sitting back in his seat.



Officer Poopypants shrugged, beginning to blush in the faces of several other Officers. “Wh-what?” He said with a toothy grin. “I couldn’t think of anything else!”

///

officer bootypants

A pair of heavy paws slammed the ground as he whooshed through the velvet, neon hallways littered with wire and boxes. “Hey guys, I’m here! I’m here!” A gruff voice shouted as he arrive at a small booth next to a large door, lyrics becoming louder as he approach. The wolf at the booth nodded and flipped on a microphone as a rotund wolf walk through the door.

“Aaaaalright everyone, next up at //, if you didn’t have enough man-power this evening we’re about to have a spillover! He’s comin’ for ya, the wolf with the biggest bottom this side of town, give it up for ‘Officer Booty-pants!” A large announcement from the ceiling blast along with the lyrics, ‘at night, I think of you. I want, to be your lady, baby...’ play, a round, black and white wolf wearing nothing but an orange pair of party glasses and a thong pound the catwalk, the club whistling and hollering as he strut. “Ahh, hah hah, thank you, thank you!” he wobbled forward, his cheeks being lit up by flashes as he turned around, putting his hands on his knees, a pair of hands especially close. “Ooh, uh, the boss says no touching.” He said, looking around quickly. “Good thing he’s in the other room!” He said, lowering into a deep squat, the various males squeezing and cupping his heavy bottom cheeks before standing up, chuckling.

The crowd began to part, a pair of talons shuffling between the colorful crowd. Officer Bootypants began walking towards the far end of the catwalk as other performers began walking out. He looked behind him, noticing some sort of bird daydreaming into the stage, electing to crouch down, flapping his bottom cheeks in the avian’s face, shaking it very much like one would for a polaroid picture. The bird looked up and grinned, trying to follow the volley in front of him.

“How’d ya like that, huh?” Bootypants looked behind him, glancing at what seemed to be a crow. He widened his stance and pulled his groin forward, his stretched orange plastic hovering in the face of a worn-out crow. A familiar one. “Huh? Off-Officer Night Wing?” Bootypants spat out as he got a good look at his face. The crow looked up at the wolf. “Oh! Um, yes, yes...Do you know me?” He said as he looked at the wolf’s flared, exaggerated orange glasses. “I work on the west side, I didn’t think I’d see someone from the east side who knows me.” He shrugged slightly. Bootypants straighted himself up, putting his hands between his legs suddenly, opting to show off to the other side of the catwalk as he mooned the opposite side. “Err, um...oh uh, I dunno, probably just uh was tryin’ out um, groceries n’...stuff, I dunno...” Bootypants mumbled cautiously. “Er, uh...I didn’t think you’d be the kind to um, uh...Come over here?” He questioned in a strange, constrained tone. The crow chuckled. “Um, yeah, I don’t know either...” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess I just wanted to, uh...Try it out, I guess.” He said, looking away. “Yeah, um, you look very nice! Um, a lot to look at, I guess.” He said, chuckling nervously. Bootypants leaned forward, spreading his back end open for the onlookers behind. “Oh, why thank you!” He said in a gruff tone. “Uh, yeah! Well, I know it’s not for everyone, but um...Well, I hope you have fun anyway!” He said, turning around.