Mirror

Lost

I spent most of my life never feeling like I belonged anywhere. My mother once told me she felt we weren't close because I was in the hospital for so long after I was born. She said we must have missed the “bonding” period of our relationship as she was home with my brother and sister and wasn't able to see me often.

As a result, I looked for attention and approval wherever I could find it. I was willing to do anything and go anywhere to find a place where I belonged; where I would be accepted.

In looking back to see where God was in my life at that time, I realize that to find God I had to know Him first. I was searching and searching but never knew what I was searching for. My only knowledge of God was that of a vengeful punishing God. I knew about Jesus and knew that He loved me, but that was all I knew. I was never encouraged to read the Bible and didn’t know where to go to find out more about the only Person I felt cared about me.

My never-ending search for God detoured for a while as I spiraled downward. I was hospitalized nine times in seven years due to alcohol and drug abuse. And then moved on to unhealthy and dangerous relationships and finally to the New Age Movement. It was craziness. During this time, I separated from my first husband and had a young child at home. I was so messed up; my friends took turns caring for my son while I was on this wild ride searching for who knows what. I needed to fill that empty space inside me.

On June 10, 1979, I walked into my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I had been to AA meetings in rehab, but this was the first time I went willingly. The outpouring of love was what I was searching for. It felt like that empty space could finally be filled. But meetings became uncomfortable after a while because the program is based on dependence on God. Toward the end of the speakers’ talk, they usually mentioned how God helped them in their recovery. Just hearing the word “God” was more than I could handle. I ran into the ladies' room or went outside. The guilt I felt consumed me. I kept peeking in at the meeting to see if the people were applauding. That was my signal that it was safe to go back in. It wasn’t long before my sponsor, Isabel, realized what I was doing and began the lengthy process of gently guiding me in the direction of a loving, forgiving God. Isabel would become the first of many spiritual influences in my life.

Seven of the twelve steps of AA refer to a search for or a relationship with God. If I were to remain sober, I would have to let Him into my life. Looking back now, I realize I didn’t see God working in my life, not necessarily because I didn’t know Him, but because I simply wasn’t paying attention. It was God who kept me alive when I was drunk or high. He kept me safe while in the company of some very dangerous people. He made a way for my son to be taken care of. And He brought me into the rooms of AA.

But it would be many years before I would come to know and love the God I worship today. And even longer to welcome His Son, Jesus into my life. There would be many obstacles to overcome. During the next few years, I traveled a road filled with grief, denial/doubt, guilt, pain and finally hope, in my search for God.



“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!”

Deu. 30:19-20