Mirror

The Decision

I remember the exact date I opened the Bible for the first time. It was February 26, 1993. That was the date of the first World Trade Center bombing and there was a daycare center in the building. I was so upset I took the Bible I owned but never read and opened it. I read for hours through tears and heartache. I noticed as I was reading that after a while, I started to feel peaceful, which was odd considering what was going on. From that day forward, I knew where to go when I was in emotional pain. But it wasn’t until a few years later that I began to seriously study the Bible. And my life would dramatically change. A whole new world was about to open, and Jesus would be at the center of it.

I think we all come to God’s Word at different times for different reasons. What started as a means toward inner peace grew into a burning desire to know God more. It wasn’t enough for me to know “about” God. I wanted to “know” God. Who was this Person I turned my life and my will over to, as suggested in AA? What did it really mean to “Let go and let God”? Never having read the Bible, I had no confidence that I would understand what it all meant. But on that February day in 1993, I wasn’t looking for knowledge or clarification. I was looking for God.

I don’t know when I started reading the Bible daily. I do remember reading it on the bus on the way to work. One day I noticed a young man also reading his. Darren and I got to know each other through our common love of God’s Word, and I told him about the church I attended...Crossroads Free Methodist Church. He later joined that church and became a member of the choir, often singing solo.

While I was in the habit of reading the Bible daily, I was not yet at a point where I was studying God’s Word. Because some parts of the Old Testament were difficult for me to comprehend, I gravitated to the New Testament. I read for the sole purpose of companionship with the Lord. The more I read, the more I grew to know a loving, forgiving and just God. And I learned about His Son, Jesus, in a way I never knew before. I learned about His life, His lessons through the parables, and of course, His death and resurrection.

Many opportunities were presented to me to accept the Lord and I didn’t realize that was what was happening. I remember when my sister, who had also left the Catholic church, read John 3:16 to me over the phone but I guess I didn't understand then. I thought she was just sharing a Bible verse with me.

During the time I was searching for a church, I watched preachers on TV. One Sunday morning, while watching the Hour of Power, I was very depressed, and the sermon spoke to me. As usual, at the end of the show, the call came to accept the Lord into my life. Only this time, I answered that call through tears and hope. As I look back now, it seems amazing to me that I had never done that before or didn’t even know that I should. Sunday after Sunday I heard that call and sometimes felt so much guilt that I thought it couldn't possibly apply to me. Perhaps that’s why I answered it. I wanted the pain, shame, and loneliness to go away.

Ever since that day, I knew Jesus was with me. I was not alone, and I could feel his presence. In the beginning it was more like Jesus walking with me instead of me walking with Him. I have since come to learn that it is both. Just knowing that He was there...that I could have a relationship with Him helped me understand that He is not just a person in the Bible. He is real. To learn more about Him, I re-read the Gospels, but I always skipped the Crucifixion. It hurt too much to read it at first. I felt so guilty. I understood that Jesus died for my sins, but that made it worse, not better.

I didn’t always understand what I was reading. I didn’t yet know about the power of the Holy Spirit. I just wanted to know who Jesus was...who that Person was... that my whole faith was based on.

“... faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the Word about Christ.”

Romans 10:17