My Conversion Story Journal

December 3, 2023

I was able to experience Rosh Hashanah with the community that I will be moving to in a few months. It was an unforgettable experience. One custom during Rosh Hashanah is to cook a fish and serve it with its head on. Some served only the head of the fish (as was the case in the place I went to) . I can honestly say that I have been eating quite a bit of fish lately and have enjoyed the taste of it at every place I gone. However, if there is a custom or tribe that leaves the head on all year round, and I end up as a part of that tribe, I will never cook fish. I have only tried cooking fish once in my life - a fish my son caught - and will not feel like less of a woman if I never cook or serve a fresh fish. I still remember my rabbi talking about the fish heads during that time of year and said not to eat from the fish head because it contains worms. I don't think I will - or want to - ever forget that.



I had a dream last night, no not about fish. There were children running everywhere and climbing on things and crying and screaming. I was stressed and felt overwhelmed. I remember that feeling when my children were growing up. I see a lot of mothers stressed with their children's behavior but doing their best to hold it together. I remember that feeling and admire them for looking like they have it together and all figured out. I know I did not and do not think I could have pulled off looking like I did. Well, my dream didn't end with the feeling of stress and screaming children. It ended with a small baby placed in my arms. It was pure peace, and wonder, and love. I immediately started singing softly. That is how my dream ended.

As I do with most things, I expected to go through this journey alone. I figured I'd hide in the back of shul and pray then leave, and it wouldn't make a difference. I thought I would find my way through talks with G-d, books, and still be able to keep people at arms length, but that is not the case. I had another argument with my dad. I was lectured for a long time about my conversion. I hung up the phone, slept a few hours and when my alarm went off, I contemplated not driving the three hours to shul. I told G-d, "I don't have to go every week, right?" and he answered, "Get up and go. You need this." He was right.

I looked around more than normal during prayer and watched the ladies and children focus on the prayers. I watched the mothers with their children (that's how I knew they were extra stressed this week), I hugged more people than I normally do, I saw more smiles and happiness as people interacted with one another. The rabbis sitting together, pounding on the table, and chanting is going to stay with me all week long.

As I stood on the corner of the street waiting for someone, a car drove up to the stop sign. The guy behind the wheel looked at my friend and I as we still there, and he shook his head and drove away. All of the arguments with my dad, the leaving my friends and job to move, and all other stress flooded back into my mind. I heard the voices of those that kept asking, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I thought about how different it must look from the outside. How different and strange it must be to see these people doing their weekly routines. I looked at my friend who was still talking and didn't seem to notice the man and had no idea what was going through my mind. Scenes from the past three months flashed through my mind, the faces of friends that I have made, my tutors, the holidays that I have celebrated, the lighting of the Shabbat candles, and I heard and saw the rabbis pounding on the table and chanting. "Yes, I do" was my reply.

I walked to prayer with my friends and had a hard time concentrating on prayer. I read through the chapters three times or more as I was distracted by the sounds of children's laughter, fathers and their sons playing the basement, and seeing all the women sitting in the living room and dining room praying.

As I am approaching my first ever celebrated Hanukah, I remember reading somewhere that, "A little bit of light goes a long way." These people have been an inspiration to me as I'm sure they have to most people they have met. With all of the negativity and misconceptions that I have heard and battled and read in the media, I feel privileged to get to spend time with these people and be inspired by them.

I'm not doing this because of anyone that I have met. Not because of friends. Not because of the community I am moving into. Not because of the Rabbis that I have listened to in person and online. Not because of the people that have helped me so far. I'm doing this for the same reason that I started this journey. I want to have a closer relationship with G-d. That is what I asked G-d for. That is what started me on this journey and that is the reason I am still working so hard today.

G-d doesn't just give you what you ask for when he answers prayer. He gives more. Am I getting closer to G-d? Absolutely. He has become the main focus in every aspect of my life from the moment I am aware of being alive in the morning, until the moment that dreams fill my head and my soul is refreshed and recharged. My relationship with G-d is becoming more than I ever thought it would be. The amount of light and encouragement my soul gets from my community, from my friends, from my rabbis, and from my tutors is enough to keep me focused on my goal of becoming a Jew.

Thank you G-d for all the light I see while you are answering my prayer.