My Conversion Story Journal

January 3, 2024

It has been a week since I have written. I did go to shul last Saturday and attended Tehillim. As a person who overthinks things, I had some things to think through. A wise person told me that when I start to overthink, instead, I should think about the why behind what I am overthinking. This was a great help this week as I was able to look at a situation from a different angle because I understood why it was constantly going through my mind.

I was asked this week, not why I want to become a Jew, but rather (and a much better question in my opinion), what I love about Judaism. I have mentioned things these past few months (hard to believe that it has been 7 months already that I have been chronicling my experience). I know that I have mentioned Jewish wisdom and the fact that I started studying Hebrew earlier than I had planned because of wanting to read a book written in Hebrew that was full of Jewish wisdom. The paragraph above is a small example of why I love Jewish wisdom.

I'm reading a book (why I haven't written all week - too busy reading) In Good Hands Bitachon: Trusting in G-d 100 Letters and talks of the Lubavitcher Rebbe by Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson. The book is available for free to read on Chabad.org if you are interested. Just type in the title and the word Chabad and it should come up.

There are so many sentences in this book that I could quote. Hashem worked for a long time on my patience (which was not fun). Now, I know that he is working on my trust, and like always, he is being very blunt about it. This is not at all surprising to me. After all, he knows that I don't take hints.

It has been several posts that I voiced my concerns about moving due to financial worries and employment. I had a friend ask me if I had heard anything yet about a job, and my reply was, "No." She excitedly said, "Good, that means you might have to stay a while longer." Panic began to set in. "I don't want to stay. I have to go" is what I thought at first. I thought about how unhappy I would be if I had to stay and had to wait another year or even months to move. It was hours later that I read one of the Rebbe's letters in the book and it changed my view.

I've been stressed about moving away from my job because I love my job. I didn't want to leave the community I serve. I struggled with that thought and cried and asked G-d why he would want to uproot my life. Why couldn't I stay and serve him? Fast forward to tonight. What I read wasn't anything new. I had heard it before. I knew it to be true. However, a peace settled over me that has been missing and I see how G-d has changed my thoughts and my heart in such a short amount of time.

I want to move. I want to be a part of that community. I want to live within walking distance of my shul. I want to live an Orthodox Jewish life of observance. I love that the first thing I think about the moment that I am conscious is G-d. I get to thank him immediately. Every move I make though out the entire day centers around him. The morning prayers, the Shema, the bruchas, the after meal blessing, the washing of my hands when I wake and before I eat bread, every bite of food I take, the books I read, the prayers I pray, reading Tehillim, studying my Hebrew, praying at bedtime, learning new things each day and new observances, all the reasons why we observe the way we do, etc. I know what life is like before this conversion, and I don't want to go back. Ever. I love living my life with the focus on G-d and I know that moving will help me do that even more than I new now. It will take me to that next level.

I have no doubt that G-d already has things set up for me for when he says it is the right time. I have no doubt that he called me to do this and lit the flame in soul so I would accept his timing. I can't imagine what tomorrow has in store for me, but I know one thing for sure. G-d will be there already, because he goes before me and behind me and with me.

Thank you Hashem for your peace. Even in uncertain times. I love you.