My Conversion Story Journal

January 8, 2023

I hate writing cover letters. I hate filling out applications. It has literally taken days to fill out this 29 section application for a few county school positions (one application for the entire county). I submitted that today along with another application for a community college. I am hoping between the two (or just one), that I will earn enough to not have to stress about making rent and utility and student loan payments.

Why is this information relevant to my conversion? Because the only reason that I am getting a new job is because I need to move within walking distance of my shul. My conversion is the reason I have spent days doing paperwork, finding addresses, and updating my resume and references.

Once I have a job secured, I will secure an apartment. I still have a few months before I need to worry about moving (about 8 at the most), so I am trusting that Hashem will provide when it is the right time.

I spent all day Sunday creating a table (in order of the alef bet - alphabet) of all of the words I know in Hebrew. There are well over 400 words but only one form of each word is on the table. I know multiple forms of many of the words, masculine and feminine and plural. I was so into creating my table that I missed a Hebrew lesson. GZ messaged me to see if I was okay because I never miss. He then reminded me of some words that I forgot to add. I will be adding those tonight.

Though I wish sometimes that I can just focus on one thing during this conversion, I know I can't. I get little bits and pieces of things done and things learned and do my best to apply them right away. It takes time and different aspects of my life require me to move at different paces. I'm sure this is true of everyone that converts. Either that or is just the way my brain works. I'm learning to trust G-d at a new level, and it's hard. Nothing about this journey has been easy. I've given up time that I spent on things that I loved doing, like writing poems and stories, to write cover letters and submit applications. I study all the time and there is always so much more to study. I have a large selection of new books and a large number waiting in my Amazon cart to be purchased. I'm not complaining (well except about writing cover letters). I wish I had more time to focus on learning and studying, but I know that is the impatient side of me trying to peek through.

I need to work, not only to pay my bills, but because I have a purpose there. Though I know my purpose there is coming to an end (or else I wouldn't be forced to write cover letters), I know I am giving up an amazing job. Though my sense of loss is eradicated one day a week (when I am at shul and Tehillim), I feel it the other six.

I did not enter this conversion process lightly. It took years to come to this decision. I do not have any doubts even now about this decision (even after being forced to write cover letters). I will be telling my boss tomorrow that I am submitting applications elsewhere (because I did use him as a reference). Like I said, I am trusting G-d on a new level, and it's hard.

I love you my king.