My Conversion Story Journal

January 14, 2023

I was downstate earlier this weekend than normal. For a few minutes, I focused on the mass amounts of traffic, the full parking lots, the ongoing construction (IN JANUARY!), and the millions of stop lights. It became overwhelming for a moment. I missed the trees, the open air and the sounds of animals over cars. I thought, "Is this where you really want me G-d?" The moment that thought came out of my mouth, my thoughts changed to my shul, my observance, the people I've met and have yet to meet, and how much I have already grown closer to G-d in only the past year. I said aloud - thankfully no one could hear me over the traffic and I was just a crazy person walking on the side of the road talking to herself - "I know you do, and I trust you L-rd." And I meant it.

It was one year ago almost to the date that I had started learning Hebrew (on my own at this point) and really diving into what it took to convert and what it meant to be a Jew. I celebrated this lone journey in the most amazing way!

I stopped at the Jewish part of town where all of the Jewish stores are located. I parked by a Jewish bookstore, walked across a couple of parking lots, and went into my first Dunkin Doughnuts. I got a dozen doughnuts for my daughter, her boyfriend, and her roommate. There were two boys in there wearing kippahs. That was the first time outside of my small circle at shul that I have seen anyone wear kippahs. It was an exciting feeling, and the events that followed made that excitement grow.

I walked back across the parking lots and entered the Jewish bookstore. It was a bit cramped for the space, but the moment I walked in, my heart was full of joy. I recognized a lot of the items from homes that I had either eaten lunch or dinner at: the challah covers, the challah boards, the kiddush sets, Shabbat lamps, etc. My next trip is going to be to buy a Shabbat lamp. This time I bought the book set "The Book of Our Heritage: The Jewish Year and Its Days of Significance" by Eliyahu Kitov. It is a 3 volume set that I was able to look through at a friend's house and have wanted since. It was a bit more expensive than if I had bought it online, but I'm sure the bookstore owner's rent is expensive for the area. Though I have heard that Moses spoke for 30 days before his passing, it didn't stick until I opened the book and read it. The book was in excellent condition, but it had obviously been read before, because there were lip prints on it that were not mine. I did wipe them off a bit because it is a weird thought to think that I will be kissing the book that someone else's lips (not knowing whose) touched. The bookstore clerk (owner?) joked that I would be quizzed over Shevat (the month we are currently in) next week. I just laughed and said, "ok."

There was a kosher bakery and pizza place right in the same complex, but I didn't stop at either of them (I had doughnuts!).

Instead, I drove across the street (a very busy one) to the kosher grocery store. It was the first time I had ever walked into a kosher grocery store. I felt very much in the way as people rushed around buying their last minute supplies for the incoming storm and the start of Shabbat. Even though I felt in the way, I felt at home. I wanted to look at everything and tried to take as much time as possible. They had everything you ever wanted to be kosher - like chicken nuggets! I picked up some dry goods and supplies for the weekend since I there was a possibility to getting snowed in (which I was). I left other things I really wanted (like the chicken nuggets) for one of the special perks to look forward to when I moved there (and I really didn't have a place to keep it for the entire weekend or think it would make a three hour trip home so why get addicted now?).

I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes wishing I had a laptop with me and could write right then. I felt so at home instead of feeling out of place, which I expected to feel. I then saw someone from my shul in the parking lot as I was pulling away. I think out of everything, that was the most exciting part of the entire experience. In that huge city with hundreds of cars streaming past and strangers everywhere, I knew someone. Someone nice. Someone I wanted to know. Someone who I have danced with and eaten with and prayed with. She smiled and waved to me (as I did to her), and I pulled out.

The traffic jam followed shortly after the shopping trip as I was driving to my daughter's house. I prayed my car would not overheat in the traffic jam. I turned on my YouTube playlist and began rocking out to Beri Weber, Mordechai Shapiro, and Avraham Fried becoming that crazy lady in the traffic jam that everyone tries not to stare at but wants to know what they are listening to at the same time.

I made it to my daughter's. Got snowed in and missed shul.

One year ago, I sat in this same apartment by myself (my daughter probably here and hiding in her room as a normal teenager) learning the Alef Bet and Googling Jewish words and holidays like crazy not knowing what I was doing or where it would lead. Here I am one year later. I have an amazing Hebrew tutor that has taught me not only the Alef Bet (which I still did not have down months later), but also to speak in Hebrew, have conversations (very short ones at this point) in Hebrew, and read Hebrew (even if I don't know what all the words mean yet)! I have a community that I have become a part of (though I never expected it) and friends I have gained (and love very much because they are the most amazing people). I have a place to pray. I have classes that I get to attend with various Rabbis (American Rabbi, the Rabbi that glows, the main Rabbi, online Rabbis, etc.) for guidance in living an orthodox life as well as growing closer to G-d. I eat kosher and know what that means (Google is not as helpful as real humans). I've learned a small amount of Jewish recipes, follow Jewish cooks, bake challah, make matzah ball soup, and eat meat only on weekends. I pray in the morning, in the afternoon (sometimes), and in the evening. I say a blessing before I eat (which I've always done) and after I eat (though still working on this habit since I get distracted too easy). And I have openly come out as converting (to my friends and family - a few supportive, most not). My email inbox has gone through this transformation with me. I am not the same person I was a year ago, and I never want to go back.

Thank you Hashem for this entire weekend, for the safety in travel, for the firsts I experienced, for the community that has welcomed me, and for changing my life and brining me closer to you. I love you.