Alotta Monkey Business

Warshin My Teef

For "Andre's Fractured Resolutions Blog-O-Thon!"  , prompt 2: I hereby resolve to take better care of my teeth. (Andre pronounces teeth as teef.)

What could be a better New Year's resolution than to take better care of one's teeth? I think most people do a fair job, but there are some who lack in the area of dental hygiene. You know. they don't brush, they think floss is some kind of underwear that rides in their butt-crack, and fingernails are best to dislodge chunks of food wedged between their teeth (a playing card or a matchbook will also do. They have green teeth, foul breath, receding gums, and chunks of week old food decaying between their teeth. Some of their teeth are blemished with tooth decay as well as broken and or missing teeth.

I really think I should have waited until after dinner to write this, it seems I've lost my appetite.

For these individuals, taking care of their teeth is not only a great resolution, but a wonderful gift to any they talk to. I've had the opportunity to listen to a few of these types, and it's never pleasant. In fact, the most recent time was over at Andre's bar.

Being a monkey, I reckon tooth care isn't something high on his list of things to do, like bathing and grooming. Of course, he does pick through his hair and eat anything he comes upon. Don't get me wrong, I like Andre. But, when it's noisy in the bar and he leans in close to talk to a person, it's like hot wind blowing over road-kill.

I thought if I was coy about it, he might take a hint. I didn't want to tell him his mouth was nasty for fear that I would hurt his feelings and then he would hurt me right before he drug my sorry carcass out of his bar. So, I told him I had made a New Year's Resolution to take better care of my teeth, brushing, flossing, rinsing with mouthwash. It didn't work out as planned; Andre's reply:

"Resolution, I didn't think you was that dumb. Nobody keeps resolutions, you idiot, they just make em so they can break em. 'Sides, if you're gonna make one, make it good, like hooking up with one of the dames around here. Taking care of teef, what a goof you are."

"It aint nothin to care for teef, you just gots to get in a habit to do it. When you get up, you take a leak, right? So, after you pee, you grab the towel and wipe off the dribblings, that's when you wrap the corner round your finger and clean your teeth. While waiting for coffee, you drink a shot of banana rum, but before you swallow, swish it round in your mouth. Now, teef are taken care of. Also you trim your nails too short, you want them long enough to dig food bits out after you eat or get a match book or a playing card, that works good, too."

I just nodded and tried to avoid his breath.

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