My Conversion Story Journal

February 2, 2024

This is the second week in a row that I have not been to shul or seen anyone in the community. A few have reached out to me and checked in to see that everything was okay. My weeks are different when I am able to go. Everything is different down the very air I breathe into my lungs and how the world appears before me. Those that have reached out, I let know that I will be back down as soon as G-d allows.

G-d knew that my children would be struggling and need help financially. He knew that I would not hesitate to give all that I have to take care of them, visit them, and support them. So why would he choose now for my car to break down when he knows I cannot do anything about it for a couple of weeks? I can think of many reasons, and I'll go through them below.

1. Perhaps, to answer the question, Would I get angry at G-d and blame him? Surly, G-d could have kept my car going until it was a more convenient time when I wouldn't have struggled with getting it fixed, had to ask for rides to work, and miss so much shul (like spring break). The answer is no. Though I know I would be there if he wanted me there, I also know that everything has a purpose and a lesson.

2. Perhaps, because of a decision. I could have taken a job offered and moved already. Instead, I chose to renew my vow to my students (relinquished at Yom Kipper by the Kol Nideri prayer) and stay until the end of the school year. Every choice we make, whether we make it for ourselves or for others, has consequences.

3. Perhaps, because I didn't think ahead. I could have done better saving money for this time and spent less on things that were only wants (like dresses, skirts, and shoes). I would then have had the money to put into my car (or get a new one) and not had to wait.

4. Perhaps as a lesson. I know I am still working on my patience. There are two important things that I have been waiting for, and amazingly, they have been become intertwined.

5. Perhaps to see what I would do with my time. I have spent months driving downstate to go to shul, and it has helped me grow in my devotion and observance. With a couple of weeks at home, would I revert back to my old ways (It has only been 4 and a half months after all) or would I make a point of staying observant?

What did I do? I kept observance and made a point to do it more mindful than the past 4 and half months. I observed Shabbat. I did not have to be on technology because I did not need Google Maps for driving, so I didn't use my phone on Shabbat. I did not turn on my computer, laptop, tv, or stove on Shabbat. I did not leave home on Shabbat. I prayed on Shabbat at the time that all the other women would have been there and pictured their faces as I prayed. Since I had to break Shabbat (since I am not fully converted yet), how did I break Shabbat? I turned on my closet light (this part was an accident) and turned it back off (on purpose just to break Shabbat). I have been observant for the past two weeks, and I plan to keep observance. I observed what I learned before going to shul and will continue to observe what I have learned since. As I learn more, I will observe more.

6. Perhaps as time to rest and reflect? I admit that Shabbat has been very restful. I have taken naps (a very rare thing for me) and reflected on all that has changed over the past year. I also know that I never want to go back to life before this. I am more thankful each day that passes for the opportunity to grow closer to G-d in observance, spiritually, and with purpose. I never expected this level of spiritual growth and closeness with Hashem.

7. Perhaps because absence makes the heart grow fonder? I had a difficult time eating lunch yesterday. I knew what I was missing. I don't understand how anyone could join a community like that and want to leave it. I watched a movie late last night (after Shabbat had ended and after going to visit a friend) about an ultra orthodox woman that wanted to leave the community and get a divorce. There was so much about why less than 2% decide to leave the community that missed the mark completely. I would not want to be ultra orthodox, and I believe that the ultra orthodox community is missing a great deal of compassion and are also misguided about want makes members want to stay (and the community was wrong on some other aspects as well). The community that I visit has genuine care, compassion, and love for people, even if they are not Jews. That is the reason why when someone leaves, they come back. I miss my friends. I miss the smiling faces of the people whose names that I don't even remember. I miss seeing them care for one another and show love and compassion for one another. I miss the gathering of just plain good people.

Whether this is one of the trials that come with convers that is warned about in every conversion book I read, I don't know. I just know that I still love G-d. I thank him for spending Shabbat with me, for being with me every day, and for listening to my prayers. I want to serve him the way he wants me to serve him, and I know that my desire to convert has not changed. If G-d wants me there next week, my car will either be fixed, or I will have a new car. Either way, I am trusting him and will be in the doors of the shul as soon as he permits.

Nehemiah 8:10 And he said to them, "Go, eat fat foods and drink sweet drinks and send portions to whoever has nothing prepared, for the day is holy to our Lord, and do not be sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

I still had joy on Shabbat and will have joy throughout the week, because even without time in my community, I still have the Lord.

May this week be a blessing to you.