Wanda's Ramblings

Finally free

7 years ago, I sat in the pharmacy parking lot looking at 2 little pills. They were the hormone replacement medications I had been prescribed earlier in the day. My mind raced over the possibilities and also the consequences. I had done a tremendous amount of research and thought I knew what I was getting into. I think back often to the scene from The Matrix where Neo chooses the red or blue pill. There is a running joke in the transgender community that we chose both pills and I guess in some ways that is true.

I say that I thought I knew what I was getting into because the changes that have occurred in my body, mind, and emotions over the last 7 years have been dramatic, to say the least. The hormonal changes have altered my entire way of thinking and behaving. The changes to my mind and how I think were the most surprising and eventually the most rewarding.

I figured I would grow some breasts, lose some hair, and soften up a bit and that was that. Was I in for a surprise! Over time, yes, I did grow breasts, change my body hair patterns, and soften my skin and muscles. The other changes are very difficult to describe because I cannot relate them to anything else. The changes I have gone through because of “taking the red pill” have happened mostly so slowly that only in hindsight and looking back at past pictures and writing can I see them.

At the time I did not realize it but during the first few months, my brain structure changed so much that I had a lot of trouble with thinking and remembering during the process. In fact, according to the National Institutes of Health – “Taken together, the above six studies suggest that even relatively short-term administration of GAHT influences the gross morphology and white matter microstructure of the brain in such a manner that trans individuals become more like their identified gender with respect to these brain outcomes.” (Nguyen et al., 2019)

Along with that, there has been a plethora of other changes. My skin has softened so much that I have to be more careful to avoid scratches and other injuries. My muscle structure has changed as well to the point I can no longer pick up objects that I once could have. Early on these changes took some getting used to because the mind takes a while to catch up. My brain still thought I could pick up an object and my body would try to respond only to fail or even pull a muscle. The mind is amazing though and has caught up now with the changes and I know my limits as far as strength and skin toughness.

One of the most astounding things that happened was realizing how much the fat distribution changes altered my buoyancy in water. Women’s bodies have a much higher fat-to-weight ratio, so we float better. Not having ever encountered this the first time I got into a pool after transitioning I was shocked at how I floated. I could not get to the bottom of the pool! I had been on hormones for probably about 3 years at that point and had not been in a pool since I started.

By far the coolest part of transitioning genders is the opportunity to see both sides of the coin. I had guessed but had no real idea of how different men’s and women’s breasts are. Other than the obvious size difference women’s breasts are not only much more sensitive the sensitivity is of a different nature as well. IYKYK! Also, I now know the difference in strength, softness, and sensations that our bodies have. The list could go on and on but I have knowledge and experiences that very few have been given.

It is kind of funny that now as I sit here years later thinking about it, the changes are all just natural and assimilated. I do not think about the changes anymore and am just at peace. Much like any young girl going through puberty, I remember wondering how everything would turn out. I remember trying to force things and would wear lots of makeup, get my nails done, and color my hair. Like any little girl, I was trying to force and speed up nature.

What I realize today is that I have become like any other woman as far as preferences and style go. I rarely wear makeup, have not gotten my nails done in quite a while, but I do still color my hair just not as often. In other words, I have nothing left to prove. I just exist. On the other hand, you will rarely see me in pants and there is usually a reason like working outside or something. I just prefer skirts and dresses because they make me feel free.

Finally, I do not know what I thought I would find at the end of this journey. I just knew that I had to face my truth, or I was going to drink again and that would have been fatal. Even if I had stayed sober I would probably have taken my own life because of the pain and confusion of gender dysphoria, as so many of us do. What I did find at the end of this journey is just me, a little freer, a little prettier, a little softer, but still just me.

Gender Dysphoria - Gender dysphoria is a term that describes a sense of unease that a person may have because of a mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity. This sense of unease or dissatisfaction may be so intense it can lead to depression and anxiety and have a harmful impact on daily life.

GAHT - gender-affirming hormone therapy.

References:

Nguyen, H. B., Loughead, J., Lipner, E., Hantsoo, L., Kornfield, S. L., & Epperson, C. N. (2019, January). What has sex got to do with it? the role of hormones in the transgender brain. Neuropsychopharmacology : official publication of the American College of Neuropsychopharmacology. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6235900/#:~:text=Taken%20together%2...