My Life, My History

Another Chapter

Guess I would call this post a final draft. Still may revisit and edit some sections. I am never truly satisfied with anything I write or do in life. I would never actually post and share anything if I didn't just say fuck it, good enough, just do it. Anyways, here I go again:

There is no sense in attempting to climb a ladder made of plastic and paper that constantly shifts around like a game of snakes and ladders. Like it's constantly shuffling a card deck, folding and cutting and dealing another hand at a casino. Maybe you get a few wins at first, but that's just to pull you into the game and give you a sense that you might win big if you just keep playing, so pull out another bill and try again. Plug another quarter into that machine and watch the wheels of fortune spin while the bells and whistles sound off, designed to intrigue you, to excite your senses and instill a sense of real hope that the next spin will be your big payoff. The ever evolving and revolving ladder rungs constantly redesigning themselves to thwart your climb, to stop you from advancing, ban you from attaining anything beyond the lowly and pitiful status you were born into.

Always crafting a more intricate origami ladder pattern, always getting fancier and more complicated—maybe they even use the decadent gold embossed paper for their next design. Something that will ultimately generate more money for the top section of their revolving pyramid of doom while continuing to ignore the plight of those beneath them save for some grand speeches full of empty platitudes. At the very top, they put-in their grandmaster "big boss" who wears a triangular pirate hat made of glowing blue paper infused by the nuclear powers of our ongoing cold war. He sits there with a smug expression and quietly laughs at all us of fools below like some fat smiling buddha, a jealous, yet self-professed benevolent god floating upon his heavenly cloud like an ironic status icon of one of the earth's most fantastical paradise locales.

Those who uphold the ladder and maintain the structure of the great pyramid of Pyonghattan only accepts those that fit into the narrowly defined parameters of the new and improved, open and liberal, more acceptably diverse and inclusive methadology of who you may profess to be or identify as based on the expected expression of where you are situated on the wheel of Intersectionality, victimhood, and oppression. This new classification structure culturally approximates and radically defines who you are according to a more inclusive community based standardized system of guidelines of how you should be living and being in this new non-partisan, open-source, carbon-neutral, no risk, money-back guarantee, taxonomy-free, democratic society.

I suppose we should have expected the Sphinx to morph like a chimera after all these years and update his ancient riddle before we may approach the heavenly entrance to the realm of the gods and goddesses and gain access to immortality in the afterlife. Now we must answer Xur's new riddle: "What is a woman?" Perhaps we don't truly encounter and comprehend this paradox until we ask ourselves in combination, "what is a man?". The answer to that, of course, is it is however we choose to express our own individual interpretation of that identity according to our prescribed feelings of the day—as explained and diagnosed by the professionals who pharmaceutically guide us and instruct us in our healing journeys—to document our emotional expressions and cognitive observations, to contribute to the practice of self-discovery and make daily affirmations of gratitude.

<BREAKING NEWS>
This just in. An astonishing new development surrounding an investigative report from a trio of highly qualified scientific research experts.

"We have recently discovered a new race of non-binary gender-fluid asexual beings (N.B.GenFAB) who procreate by a previously unknown osmotic method where a simple and equivalent exchange is made of particular sections of chromosomal DNA which is then combined via a very intricate and specialized ex-vivo technique crafted by these same unique beings. This method has been observed to occur naturally in these certain incredibly special members of our new brand name generation of homo sapiens. These self-identified N.B.GenFAB members report that they innately had the knowledge to employ this highly specialized ex-vivo technique as it has been handed down to them through generations of ancestral teachings that has only recently been unlocked by returning to their traditional ways through intense meditative prayer and study of their ancient scriptures, holy texts, symbols, and artifacts.

Furthermore, these highly advanced N.B.GenFABs report that as they have been able to tap into this ancient wisdom, they have evolved beyond the traditional homo sapien limitations of biological and physiological processes and developed advanced abilities beyond us mere mortals. Many N.B.GenFABs have transformed and redefined themselves as a entirely new species, some even reporting they have developed Supermutant-like powers and X-Men like abilites."

<Personal Log, Stardate -300890.4109589041>
Unfortunately, I am not a SPECIAL N.B.GenFAB. I am naught but a mere mortal. Descendent of the common and simple-minded peasantry stock—a shamelessly childless and divorced heathen female. I no longer bother with silly childish pursuits such as dating men, nor do I advertise myself as "single and available"... and that is by choice. I am a purely and proudly 100% heterosexual woman, as such, it is not difficult to go without any kind of sexual relations. I am not a man, nor am I a young lady in my late teens/early twenties, so it's quite easy to quell and bypass all of my emotions and not be coerced by men into acting in a particular manner that typically pleases them. Also, as someone who has experienced multiple episodes of physically and sexually abusive situations and relationships, and have had the much-needed time to be alone and heal, it's now even easier for me to completely detach myself from all emotional human encounters. In short, completely killing off those aspects of my human nature was not at all difficult for me.

Even when I do notice a man who is attractive, I simply remind myself of all the times I've been fucked over... because I have been fucked over by almost every man I've ever been open and vulnerable with in any sort of "romantic relationship". There might have been one or two who presented themselves with authenticity and had genuinely kind hearts who weren't like the other guys... maybe, lol. Maybe I met a couple decent men who weren't looking to see how easily I could be controlled and manipulated into doing whatever would please them and being whatever they wanted me to be while I received nothing in return. Maybe. It's obstinately difficult for me to not be jaded and cynical surrounding this subject, so I remain steadfastly opposed to any relationship that attempts to move beyond friendship. These are the relationship boundaries I have set and they are non-negotiable. And it's not like it's difficult to adhere to anyhow. I am no longer youthful in appearance, and it's not like I was ever exceptionally attractive or pretty, so all I ever really had going for me were my sad attempts at humour and satire, a passion for video games, music, and cultures, and a love for intense intellectual discussions that encompass many subjects, including politics, history and science.

Thus, I have found much to ignite and fuel myself in other very human, biologically based passions in the physical and intellectual realm. I have found great joy and pleasure in pursuits such as physical exercise, social interactions at work, music, art, reading, writing, researching, and even attempting to communicate online with other members of humanity. Though I mostly seem to fail in this latter aspect, I keep trying nonetheless as I have many thoughts and ideas to share with the world. I remain utterly unapologetic about what I post and share and remain hopeful that other lifeforms out there, who honestly present and represent themselves with avatars of their true likeness through genuine photographs, and who formulate their own posts and thoughts without the assistance of AI or a social media manager will perhaps notice and reply. I believe I have punched through this barrier a few times as every so often an authentic and genuinely human avatar "likes" or "hearts" my posts.

Anyhow, I have no one to blame but myself for the relationship conditions I found myself in, over and over again. The family situation I grew up in and was surrounded by made controlling, one-sided, caregiving relationships where I had to be responsible for helping and being the person to have to handle it all feel normal. Many people would have noticed red flags in so many of my relationships, but I was "blind" to them because it was all totally normal in my family structure. I was a parent to my mother from a young age, and I was expected to not be a child and to be more adult like for my grandmother, especially after my grandfather died as I needed to help her more because she had to deal with my mom.

I suppose none of this really matters anymore, but I wrote it all to provide context and background to where I am now and what I am/have been writing about.

So yeah, why bother trying to "move up" in a society and a community that has determined that you are worthless and has discarded you? Because that's exactly where I am. And maybe that's where I "deserve" to be. I even started seriously studying languages during the COVID times and continued for quite awhile hoping it may help me advance or enter into a new field of employment or career. However, despite my formal and non-formal education, my varied work experience, my taking all sorts of continuing education, including taking every available government course I could to further enhance my skills and abilities, none of it seems to really matter in this world.

Despite networking while I was working within the big government machine, including getting to know the important people at the upper echelons of the Public Service Agency of Canada, none of it seemed to really matter in terms of career advancement. I was not accepted. I was not/am not good enough. I do not have a good enough education. My credentials are not good enough. I am not smart enough. Not knowledgeable enough. I don't parrot the appropriate lines and go along with the approved narrative. I challenged the norms. I spoke out after spending months just being quiet. Listening, observing, trying to make sense of their systems, their relationships, their organizational structures, their expectations.

They claim to want innovation and creativity. They claim to value courage and integrity. I tried, but it was not the kind of innovation and courage that they have defined in their narrow viewpoint of how a diverse and inclusive culture should be. There is no room for thought diversity. The only traditional ways they want to include is indigenous ones and "progressive liberal" ways because it gives them "points" with the younger generations and it's trendy and popular. Decolonization is all the rage now, don't you know? If you don't make a land acknowledgement and publicly shame yourself as a humble settler whose ancestors savagely stole and raped the land from the natives then you simply can't be a part of this new, inclusive community that is "safe and welcoming to all". What utter bullshit. All of it.

I will never be accepted. I will never advance along any ladder of any industry in this new and modern era because I refuse to be ashamed of my "inherent whiteness". They claim to be fighting racism, but their very values are racist at the core. Do they even realize it? I am sure many do, but they just willingly go along with it to advance themselves up the ladder so they can have more money and power and feel important as people look upon them with reverence for being so progressive and forward thinking. But it is exactly the same as when "western" politics was "dominated" by "Christian values" and "the patriarchy" and demonstrating "patriotism", a love and appreciation for your country, respecting what the flag represents as a symbol for the citizens of a country to unite under, to fight for. Now, it's the D.I.E. values and the LGBTQ2SI and however the rest of their new alphabet soup goes united under a rainbow flag with a trans triangle of pedophilia acceptance emblazoned upon it. It is utter rubbish. Totally ridiculous childish utopian nonsense.

I tried to continue on in the veterinary industry, but I was essentially "bullied out" of that environment. No one was very welcoming or accepting of me. I was not "motherly" enough. Not full of warm fluffy fuzzy nurturing towards the "little furry humans". I spent years working in animal rescue, but even then, it was a job to me. Not some all encompassing passion that filled me with deep emotional sentiments, but I was dedicated and good at it and gave it my all regardless. I never cared for dealing with puppies and kittens. I never revelled in the cuteness of the little ones. I preferred working with the old, grumpy, cantankerous and difficult to handle animals because it was challenging and I seemed to have a knack for it. This was/is likely due, in part, to my not feeling any fear of them. Again, probably related to my upbringing and life experiences. Even when I do feel a bit uncertain or "fearful" it is easy to detach and push it aside and look at it as a challenge to overcome. A situation to figure out a solution to and adapt to an unpredictable and changing scenario where the outcome is uncertain.

I enjoy those types of challenges, but ultimately, it all felt rather empty and unfulfilling as I never had any real deep connections with the actual work I was doing. It was like factory work on an assembly line. Just a job with no real opportunities to advance in the industry. Nowhere to move up in the industry unless I wanted to be a drug rep for a pharmaceutical company and slog their products to Veterinarians so they could sell it as a new treatment or a new food or a new beneficial product for pet owners. To make the industry more money by guilting pet owners into investing more money into their pets and to coerce and encourage them into performing more "very important life-saving procedures and necessary preventative care" for their pets. That was, ultimately, what my job was as a tech. I was expected to help "sell" people stuff to help their pets. But I didn't really believe in most of what I was doing. I was just parroting garbage lines from pharmaceutical companies and regurgitating their lines designed to induce feelings of guilt and a lot of false hope for pet owners.

Some of what I was "selling" and some of the procedures I was advocating for in animal health was stuff I whole-heartedly believed (and still believe) had/has merit and is absolutely necessary for animal, human, and environmental health and safety. Basic vaccines and deworming treatments are actually useful for preventing diseases that can and will kill animals. Some viruses, bacteria, protozoa and parasites are zoonotic (able to be transferred to humans and/or cause other more serious and life-threatening diseases in humans). But much of what we put the animals through was unnecessary and a ridiculous waste of medicine that would be better used for saving human lives.

Chemotherapy for animals is ridiculous. And it creates serious and potentially deadly effects for the human caregivers. They have to be super cautious about handling things like their urine and such after treatment with many drugs due to the way the drugs are excreted. Many drugs require protective gear to administer and handle and can be deadly if aerosolized. Their saliva can even be a potential health hazard. Then, this stuff goes into litter boxes and into the environment. How does that translate to potential human health risks? Or environmental risks? I felt like a lot of the industry is like a real life experimental procedure on animals outside of a controlled lab environment. What are we really doing to our "furry humans"?

I had a cat who ended up with cancer. Vet I was working for pushed for chemo. I was against it. Did one specialist consult to get a pro opinion. Cost me $250. Totally acceptable and not an outrageous expense for a thorough specialist exam and consultation. They agreed that it wasn't a feasible option nor would it be fair to put them through it. They are animals. You can't explain to them why they are being drugged and restrained. Some of them are okay with it and there are more gentle ways of managing animal patients, but in my experience, most vets don't have the time or patience to waste on that because ultimately it's a business and time=money. Get it done and get it done quick. The more time we want to spend on low stress handling just wastes time and costs money, which ends up in the client getting a bigger bill because the vet has to up their fees. They have to make a living and vet school is expensive so I get it, but I think most of where the industry has gone is way overboard with unnecessary treatments and mostly focuses on shaming and blaming the pet owner.

I didn't feel good hawking products I didn't really believe in my heart were necessary or worthwhile. I didn't feel good about shoving the muzzles on the cats and dogs and forcing them through the factory line like a fucking machine part on an assembly line. Though again, I was good at it. But it never made me feel good. It just made me dead inside. I didn't feel invested in the work. I couldn't feel invested. It was a job with no real meaning or purpose. And again, there was no room to move up the ladder and learn more and advance my knowledge and my wage unless I wanted to be a vet... or slog products for a pharmaceutical company and essentially become a traveling salesman—no thank you, not interested in that. I went to enough continuing educational offerings by pharmaceutical companies and those showcasing new procedures and treatments for animals to solidify that decision in stone. It was mostly a bunch of well to do fake hoity toity suits making long-winded introductions about all their fancy accolades and accomplishments. These events were often professionally catered and complete with fancy food and sometimes even alcohol. Lots of schmoozing and "networking" and role playing nonsense, such as "breakout sessions". Especially the big corporate events, like the ones put on by VCA/the Mars corporation, which even owns a whole huge line of pet foods.

And maybe if it was like back in the day of being more focused on farm animals and overall concern for animal welfare as it relates to humans, but that isn't what the veterinary/animal health industry is anymore. It truly felt like a lot of them were acting like they were playing out a role from a Grey's Anatomy episode.... but it's all cats and dogs and rabbits and other furry, feathered, and scaled pets undergoing expensive procedures. Some of it made sense, but a lot of the stuff is ridiculous overkill. What the heck are we doing with MRIs and crazy expensive procedures for animals that only wealthy people can afford? Making "poor people" feel ashamed and like they shouldn't own animals if they aren't willing to drop thousands of dollars for medical procedures? Preventative dental care has to include fancy expensive digital x-rays and should be done on every animal every 6 months to a year. Why? I don't even get dental care that often and I'm a human.

Even when I worked as a volunteer and board member in animal rescue, I was very practical and pragmatic. I wasn't spending tens of thousands of dollars to save one animal with fancy treatments and procedures requiring intense monitoring and expensive lifetime follow-up care when those thousands could go towards spaying and neutering and providing actual necessary preventative care like basic vaccines and dewormers. There are literally millions of animals who still need those basic things, even in our "civilized western" societies. And those are things that are necessary to attend to as they directly and indirectly impact human health and welfare, and the environment we all share.