Everyday Canvas

Being Assertive

Prompt: Firm Stance
“Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.”
Abraham Lincoln
Is standing-your-ground completely possible to achieve? What do you think being assertive means and how well can you do it?

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As much as I understand and appreciate assertiveness as an essential skill, I usually try to find a middle ground that could be beneficial to me and to the other person. Yet, there are some areas of life that standing firm on ones' beliefs is inevitable. I mean, we can't let other people walk all over us. There is a limit to infringing on my and anyone else's rights.

I was raised in a strict environment and I always thought I was a pushover...in the beginning. As a child and later a young person, I was quiet and accommodating, very much so, because I hid inside my books and reading and didn't mind the small disrespects. Then, when I was 21 and still in school, my mother pushed me to marry someone she handpicked. This time, I stood up for myself. I told her very seriously, "I'll marry someone I want, not who you want. If this is not doable for you, I'll leave you and your house, and don't expect to see me ever again." She had to back off. A year or so later, I married my husband (RIP), making the best decision of my entire life.

From where I stand, assertiveness is not being aggressive. It is a middle ground that doesn't threaten or violate the rights of anyone. Plus, it means I don't cross other people's boundaries, too. I try not to.

Having said all this, I don't think I am necessarily assertive, neither am I always standing firm. Yet, I stick to my principles and try not to be swayed by other external forces, because I found out, through my life experiences, that standing my ground increases my self-esteem and reduces stress.

As to the question of "Is standing one's ground completely possible to achieve," I don't think so, as here, the key word is "completely." This is because we can always negotiate and arrive at a better solution that can end up in aligning everyone's best interests. After all, standing firm doesn't mean about winning every argument and getting our way all the time.

To stand firm means, to me, respect for oneself and others and good communication and decision making. Yet, how do we do this proper assertiveness thing?

I believe, first of all, we have to know ourselves and our set values well enough, and then, we must not shy away from saying no without offering any apologies. Also, throughout the process, we have to maintain our composure and stay calm, so the other party gets us and our meaning. After all, respect for ourselves and for all other people is the most effective way to live.


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