Down The Rabbit Hole

C. 1. "Curious and Curiouser"

OUT MATCHED - OUT THOUGHT - OUT CLASSED

AGAIN

Wile E. Coyote Fires Acme Corporation and Files Suit

Word count 795

"Beep-Beep!"

         Wile E. Coyote's last encounter with The Roadrunner was disastrous and resulted in his hospitalization for six months with two broken legs, an injured neck, and a broken left ear. Upon his recent release, Coyote has decided to fire his company of supplies, Acme, and replace it with The Home Depot. It is reported, Wile E. has hired The Lincoln Lawyer, Ken Wolfdog Starr, to represent him in his lawsuit against Acme. Wile E. alleges that every product made by the Acme Corporation has backfired in his pursuit of The Roadrunner. Though his injuries are keeping him immobilized for the present time, it is reported that his appetite for Roadrunner remains intact and growing.

Prologue:

         Christmas Eve, December Twenty-fourth. Wile E. gazed at the package that the Fed Rock company had just delivered. He was so excited. He couldn't decide which of his two anticipated Christmas gifts was the best—having the Roadrunner for his Christmas feast or the tool that ensured his capture. He unwrapped the box and read the label. Acme Rocket Sled: Fail-proof- guaranteed to work.

Present Day:

         Wile E. threw the morning newspaper on the floor. His legs and ear had healed, but he still donned his neck brace. Reaching down inside it, he scratched his neck as he cleared his throat. "Did you hear Roadrunner when he took the stand yesterday?" he said as he gazed at the city over the balcony railing.

"Don't fret," reassured Wolfdog. "He can Beep all he wants, but it won't alter the fact that Acme is at fault. The judge is making her ruling today."

Wile E. met Ken Wolfdog Starr when he was the lead prosecutor in the Clinton Whitewater case. He remained his friend when his celebratory times got the better of him, and he ended up an Billboard Attorney.

         Wile E. and Wolfdog entered the court and took their places at the counsel table close to the jury box. The silence was ruffled only by coughs, whispers, and mumbling. The room still smelled of stale air from being locked all night. The price of electricity doesn't give leave for running the AC at night. Just a few lights gave the room a subdued look and feeling. It was hard to feel optimistic about anything.

"All rise. The California Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Judy presiding." Judge Judy stepped up and took her seat behind the bench.

"Everyone may be seated." Judge Judy waited for the courtroom to settle before she continued.

Stretching out both arms in front of her with her palms up, she acknowledged the courtroom.

"Thank you, and will the plaintiff and the defendant both rise?" Wile E, Coyote, and Jack Knives, the representative for Acme, stood up.

"Gentlemen, before I give my ruling, I must ask Mr. Coyote some questions." Both Wile E. and Jack nodded their heads.

"Mr. Coyote, It is my understanding that you have ordered by mail over the years several items including, but not limited to, Acme catapults, Earthquake pills, Burmese Tiger Traps, Jet-propelled roller skates, and a wide selection of explosives such as TNT, dynamite, and nitroglycerin. You claim that all have failed and that it is you who have suffered bodily harm.

"Yes, your Honor.

"Please tell me, after all that, why on God's name did you purchase a Rocket Sled Kit from the same company?"

"They guaranteed it was fail-proof and would work, your Honor."

"How did it fail?"

"I assembled it per the instructions. When I started it up, instead of traveling along the road and equaling the speed of the Roadrunner, it flipped up and launched itself and I ended up embedded in the rocks overhanging the road."

"Did you read the instructions thoroughly?"

"Yes, your Honor."

"Ummm!" she said, drumming her fingers on the bench. "And Mr. Knives, you say that you have personally tested these kits, and stand behind your guarantee?"

"Yes, your Honor."

"Well...my ruling is in the favor of the defendant. I am sorry, Mr. Coyote, but there is a large gap to allow enough reasonable doubt to settle in. We're done!"

         "Macia Crator here reporting for CBS News. As you can see, people are filing out of the courtroom. The widely publicized case of Coyote vs Acme has come to an end. Wile E. Coyote has lost his lawsuit against The Acme Corporation. It was determined that there was enough reasonable doubt about whether or not he read the instructions thoroughly, therefore inflicting his own injuries. It still remains a fact that he is replacing Acme with Home Depot. It has been rumored, though, that Home Depot may be having second thoughts.