Wonderland 2024

C-2. The Dodo

PROMPT ▼

A caucus race has been suggested, where everyone has to run around in circles with no clear winner. Create a blog entry (or static item) where you are in such a race with ten other participants. Who are these fine folks and why would you put them in this meaningless race? (<1000 words)

If there's two things that I'm good at, it's running myself around in circles and playing games with unclear rules and results. That said, I'm also not an idiot and when someone asks me to pick my own competition, I'm going to pick competition that I have an advantage against. Which means selecting people who do not enjoy running around in circles and who do not do well in competitions for which there is no clear winner. Why would I put these individuals into this meaningless race? Well, to win of course!

Here's who would be on my list of competitors in a caucus race (that I intend to win):

1. Baron Vladimir Harkonen from Dune. While I would be mildly worried about such a strategic and manipulative personality in the race, I'm also of the opinion that when you're in a physical race, your odds are pretty good against a guy whose author describes him as "so grossly and immensely fat that he requires anti-gravity devices to support his weight."

2. Derek Zoolander from Zoolander I'd be surprised if this male model of exceptionally low IQ would even be able to find the race site, let alone figure out how to compete effectively. Especially if I brought a mirror with me, or some other way to get Derek to focus on himself rather than the race.

3. & 4. Harry Dunne & Lloyd Christmas from Dumb & Dumber. See #2 above for the reasoning. The guys who spent an entire movie trying to track down "Mary Samsonite" are probably not much of a worry in a race. Especially if they come dressed in their powder blue and electric orange tuxedos!

5. Garfield the cartoon cat. Honestly, he's pretty lazy on his own, but all I'd have to do is bring an audience member with a Tupperware container of leftover lasagna and the famous orange cat would be out of commission just as soon as he could waddle over to them.

6. Monica Gellar from Friends. She's such a Type A personality, even with her moderate athleticism and competitive streak, she'd probably spend all her time arguing about the rules of the game, especially when she realized the way that winners are determined is not at all clear.

7. Stanley Hudson from The Office (US Version). I can't think of anyone who genuinely cares less about just about everything (other than his vacation time and not working) than Stanley. A nonsensical race seems right up his alley in terms of things he probably wouldn't care enough about to even show up to, let alone participate in with any degree of actual effort.

8. Howard Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory. Any of the nerds from The Big Bang Theory would be great competitors in this contest because of their lack of any kind of physical skill combined with their neurotic approach to problem-solving, but Howard is almost in a league of his own.

9. Olaf from Frozen. He seems like he's pretty slow and clueless, but he's also quite funny and would probably be amazing comic relief as we all ran around in circles with no direction or clear sense of how to win.

10. Chidi Anagonye from The Good Place. If you're familiar with this show, then you know how absolutely indecisive and conflicted this character is. His indecision literally gets him killed and he continues to struggle with it, especially in cases where he's weighing the moral implications of his choices. I feel like, even if he were in a position to start to win the race, he could easily be derailed by the suggestion that him winning would be an ethical dilemma with eternal significance.

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