My Conversion Story Journal

March 10, 2024

****Disclaimer***** This post does not have anything to do with anyone in my shul or anyone that whomever is reading this would probably know.

"And you call yourself a Jew!"

Why then did these words hurt so much and cause me to question everything that I am? The words cut deep, because I know I can't call myself a Jew. I'm not one. If anyone asks what my faith is, sometimes I say Jewish, because it's easier to than a long explanation. If someone makes a comment about me being a Jew, I correct them and tell them that I am converting. If someone asks if I'm Jewish, I say no. I'm nothing.

I feel as though I am at a standstill. There is no moving forward until I move to the community. I know this. I understand this. However, after hearing the remark that most likely was made as a joke, I understand why people take a break from conversion. It is a very discouraging process. I understand the reasoning behind it, but it is hard.

I know I can't go back. I can never go back, but I can't go forwards at the moment either. Hence, a standstill.

My mind wonders if it even matters that I can't go forward yet. I'm not being asked to stop practicing Judaism. I'm still able to pray. I'm still able to attend The Ark online learning program with the Rabbi who Sparkles. I'm still able to attend Chabad classes with the Rabbi who glows, the Rabbi who is adorable, and the American Rabbi. I'm still able to pray every day in the morning, afternoon, and evening. I'm still able to observe most of Shabbat. I'm still able to attend shul. I'm still able to attend women's events. I'm still able to read Tehillim by myself and with others. I'm still able to learn and grow. So does it matter that I'm at a standstill?

No, and yes.

No, because I understand the process, and waiting and practicing is part of the process. I am still able to practice and learn and grow. I learn more every week, and it has not stopped. I have grown in my faith and that has not stopped. I know that this is what G-d wants for my life that it will happen in his time. So, no, it doesn't matter. I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Yes, it does matter. Who am I? What am I? What do I call myself and my faith? Where do I belong?

With these questions running through my mind and the pressure from family and friends to not convert, I am struggling. Though I still plan to convert, because I can't at the present moment, should I take a break from even thinking about it? Should I stop making this my focus in life and just practice for a while?

There is no doubt that Saturdays are my favorite day of the week. It's an entire day focused on G-d and prayer. After going to shul yesterday, I thanked G-d, like I always do and always will, that I was able to have another Shabbat day, to attend shul, to pray, to learn, and grow closer to him. Is there anything better in life?

"And you call yourself a Jew!"

I don't think I can call myself anything except confused.