Wanda's Ramblings

Obsession

I remember when I was first getting sober I told my sponsor that now that I was getting a handle on alcohol I guessed I would need to go to NA, SAA, and all the other A’s to get a handle on drug addiction, sex addiction, and all of my other addictions. He just laughed and told me to relax, stick around, and see what happens first. Of course, he was right because AA itself describes the disease of alcoholism as being one of obsession. Therefore, if I find a way to arrest the disease of alcoholism I would most likely arrest the bulk of my other obsessions.

In reality, it is only partially true because while I have stopped drinking I have not stopped thinking and that is where my disease and obsession truly live. I also remember talking to Alan, the only real therapist I've ever worked with, and him telling me that most of the things I worried about, watching too much porn, driving too fast, telling white lies, etc. were not necessarily universally wrong. Much of what I have thought was wrong throughout most of my life was all in my head. Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so”.

So, in reality, it boils down to harm. If no one is harmed, including myself, then there is no problem. I’m not talking about the bullshit kind of harm concept that I used to spout like my drinking was only harming myself because that was crap and I did harm others by being absent, spending too much money, etc. My problem over the years has been that I used other people’s morality, judgment, or complaints to assess my behavior and ideas and then commenced to assimilate all of that crap into my values. I used to think that values were my beliefs but today I know that values are the actions to back up my beliefs. Once that process is complete, or at least well underway, then I can begin to figure out what my true beliefs are and begin to take the actions to bring it all current.

Which brings us back to obsession. When assessing my behavior and whether it is wrong and aligns with my personal beliefs and morals today I have to let go of all of the guilt and shame I dragged with me from my childhood and relationships and think about what is real. That can be very difficult because some of this thinking has been with me for a very long time and has become very real in my mind.

When I began working with Alan to clear out the debris from my past, his main test for everything was “Is it obsessive?”. Some things were very clearly harmful and didn’t need much evaluation to judge such as drinking or using drugs again, lying, manipulating, etc. I had to take a long hard look at some other things though and decide once and for all for myself if I thought they were wrong or not. Alcohol and drugs are a no-brainer for me because they immediately become obsessive.

On that note what is obsession? I used to think of it in terms of thinking about something. If I was at work and my thoughts were preoccupied with my first drink after work that is a type of obsession but not the only type. Obsession of thought is easy enough to identify once I begin to get honest with myself. But, the type Alan was talking about is allowing some activity, thinking, or other behavior to take the place of something. Using that test, which I did not so much like at first, it was fairly easy to identify the things I was obsessively allowing to steal my serenity, peace, and eventually sobriety.

It is interesting that once I began to use that test to look at myself everything seemed to do an about-face. The things that I thought were bad for me didn’t seem so bad and the innocuous-seeming things took on a more sinister look. A good example is a friendship I had allowed to become obsessive. While the connection with this person may have had many positive benefits, I was beginning to skip 12-step meetings and other commitments that were more than outweighing any benefit this relationship was bringing.

On the other hand, I had a lot of guilt about my driving habits and was obsessively beating myself up over it all the time. This test helped me see that the obsessive self-guilt was worse than driving a few miles over the speed limit. Once I could take a step back and look at the big picture I was able to set realistic expectations for myself and my driving. I personally believe it is okay to drive a little over the limit and be exasperated over other drivers' obvious lack of skill. In this spirit, I can then look at the rest of my old driving habits and say that they are or could be harmful. I no longer drive excessively faster than traffic, and I no longer “brake check” or use other aggressive driving maneuvers but I no longer stress out about minor infractions either.

Which brings me to other addictions. What I found was that the other addictions such as drugs and sex left with the alcohol. I think that is because all of those were used to alter or remove my feelings and the combination of therapy and the 12-step transformational process has made me okay with feeling. I was blessed to never have struggled much with shopping or gambling obsessions. Some would say I can be a bit of a hoarder but thanks to Alan’s test I know it is nowhere near obsessive. Using Alan’s obsession test has allowed me to finally put porn into perspective and get over my unhealthy guilt about it as well.

So, in the end, it all comes down to harm and obsession. If no one is harmed and it is not obsessive, then it is ok in my book and I no longer care what anyone else thinks about it. But, the other side of the coin has to be true as well - If someone else’s behavior is not my cup of tea but it passes the test I have to let them be true to themselves.