Therapy session: what do I want?

Another Tiresome Night

I never got my therapy session. I guess I was forgotten. I guess I'll just write. Maybe it will help someone out there that is paying attention. Maybe it will help me with something. Maybe it will ease my pain. Maybe I can find some sort of peace tonight. I am so tired. I only slept 4 hours. And even though my eyes are burning, they wont close. I listen to music and hope to find some sort of rest tonight. But all I am doing is thinking of you. I know I should not since I have so much homework to do. However, my mind wonders back to you. I want to be with you and talk to you without no one being around. I work with you but we are so busy that we have no time for each other. I know I am supposed to be your friend and see you nothing more then that. But I want more tonight. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am craving you. and that is scary for me because I dont want to. What would be the point? I am feeling sad because I don't have you here with me tonight. I think of ways to talk to you but then I stop myself. there is no point. THERE IS NO POINT! I am so tired tonight. Maybe I should sleep and think less of you. When I saw you today I wanted to be around you and just talk. But you seemed to be somewhere else. I know you are worried because you have just found out that you have diabetes. I tried to take you lunch but you did not eat it beause i brought you a piece of cake. and even though you said you would have eaten it, you would not because you are trying to be good. I felt a little hurt. I know it is only me! I should understand but I want to satisfy you. and now, i dont know how. Food was my way of expressing my "love" for you but now you wont touch it. I don't know what to do to show you my "love" I know it is a ME issue. But I feel defeated. I feel as though you are walking away, trying to figure yourself out. And I should understand. But just when I thought I was getting close to you, another thing happens and you walk away from me. I know this is probably all in my head and I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I guess I should just leave you alone and just come around when you.. I guess, need me? OR, here is another thought. Maybe I am just really tired. Maybe I am not satisfied because I want to be there for you with food and make you happy. but now i can't and i hate it. Damn you diabetes! The one thing that could have made us bond, is what is making it hard for me to get close. Food has not become your enemy. When it was always mine. Welcome to my life, meine liebe. Good night.