Complex Numbers

Plurality

This article, from Slate, has been, like a customer at the DMV, patiently waiting over four months to be called up. And it's 9 years older than that. But, despite the headline and date, it's not time-sensitive; grammar and spelling rules are timeless. Sort of.

    How to Make Your Last Name Plural This Christmas Season  

Nothing quells my Christmas cheer as quickly as a stray apostrophe. Every year they assault me.

Oh, you only notice them in December? Then you haven't been looking.

Usually it’s in the middle of an otherwise quaint moment: I am padding around my parents’ house, wearing pink slippers, sipping on some hot chocolate. Snow is falling outside the window, and Josh Groban’s Christmas CD is filling the downstairs with peace on earth and mercy mild. My mother is baking a pie. She’s about to ask if I want to lick the spatula (which, duh, I will).

Remarkable; 12-year-olds are writing articles these days, while other writers struggle to make money.

First, though, I find a stack of Christmas cards and begin to flip through them—pausing to marvel at how big so-and-so’s kids have gotten. And then I spot it: an apostrophe in a last name that isn’t supposed to be possessive.

This part, I absolutely relate to.

Gone is my Christmas cheer! All my glad tidings, replaced with fury.

Look. I get it. It pisses me off, too. But if that's all it takes to turn you into the Hulk, seek help. Maybe I overestimated her age, above.

Okay, okay, kidding. I recognize hyperbole when I see it. Usually.

This year I’d like to preempt the pluralization problems. It’s mid-November now, time to order Christmas cards again.

The holiday season starts earlier every year. It could be that, by waiting this long but not long enough to write about this article, I'm contributing to Christmas creep. But, given the prevalence of year-round Christmas stores in the US, I don't think my small contribution makes any difference.

I have created a brief guide to help you pluralize your last name. It is my humble attempt to preserve not only apostrophe protocol but also the dignity of the letter S.

You should visit the link just to see this chart. It's both informative and funny.

In summary, if you're writing in English, every surname adds either -s or -es to become plural, and an apostrophe doesn't belong anywhere near it, unless the name already has one like O'Brien. I have no idea how they do it in other languages.

Q: Why do people add apostrophes?
A: I have no idea.

Neither do they.

I have an alternative suggestion, though, since so many people misuse apostrophes, putting them in where they don't belong, or omitting them where they do belong:

Instead of "Happy Holidays from the Smiths," consider: "Happy Holidays from John Smith, Jane Jones, Braden Smith-Jones, Kaylee Jones-Smith, Fluffy, and Stinky. (Don't look at us like that. Braden was four when he named the dog.)"

It's not like you have to get the damn things engraved at a printer, these days, and get charged by the letter.

Besides, calling the whole household by one last name perpetuates the myth of the nuclear family, and enforces the hegemony of the patriarchy. We can't have that, now, can we?

I bypass the whole thing by remaining singular.

And not sending holiday cards.