Scrivenings of the King-Beyond-The-Wall

Fantasy & Fairytales #37

“You want me to what???” Terry asked, staring at his Training Officer in disbelief.

“I want you to sneak into the kid’s bedroom, rummage around under his pillow, and take his loose teeth. Replacing them with money.”

“I’m sorry, but WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.”

The TFTO (Tooth Fairy Training Officer) held up his hands in supplication.

“Look, I don’t make the rules, kid. This is just how the gig works. And if you had any other prospects at all, you’d be there instead of here. You’d be at the Fairy Godmother Academy, or the Kindly Wizard Mentor School up the road. Maybe even a winter internship at Santa’s Workshop. But you don’t have any of those things, so you’re going to learn how to be a Tooth Fairy, the Hufflepuffs of the Fairy Kingdom.”

“Hufflepuffs? From Harry Potter?”

“Yeah, you know... everyone assures you that Hufflepuffs are fine, but nobody actually wants to be a Hufflepuff. They’re comprised of whoever couldn’t get into the other three Houses at Hogwarts. Same goes for Tooth Fairies. No one sets out to be a Tooth Fairy; it’s just something you do when you don’t have any other options available to you.”

“Gee, thanks for the pep talk,” Terry muttered. “Real motivating.”

“As part of your training,” the TFTO continued, ignoring his trainee’s sass, “You’re going to have to take some specialized classes. General Dentistry, Introduction to Orthodontics, Pillow Science, Advanced Pillow Science, Sleight of Hand, Stealth, Low Dollar and Loose Change Accounting Principles, Tooth Taxidermy and Preservation, things like that.

“I didn’t realize Tooth Fairying was such an involved process,” Terry said.

“Every job has its special needs and requirements,” the TFTO said. “And if you’re going to do something, you might as well put your heart and soul into it and do it well. No one needs a half-assed Tooth Fairy. We already had that not too long ago with Ted and that didn’t end well for anybody. Trust me, the quicker you accept your place in the world and give it your best effort to make the most of it, the better it’ll be for everyone.”

Terry mulled it over. “Okay, that’s fair I guess.”

“Great. Now how about we try that obstacle course again? Without the attitude. Or the swearing. Remember, you have to be able to do it here before we’ll let you try it out there.”

Terry nodded and took his position at the starting line of the obstacle course. He went over the game plan in his head and all of the basics he had learned in Tooth Fairy Boot Camp.

Get in. Grab the teeth. Leave the money. Get out.

Terry rolled his eyes, still not believing that this was going to be his life. He was going to spend his entire career committing B&Es to steal little kids’ teeth... but you know what? If that’s the case, so be it. He was going to be the absolute best at stealing little kids’ teeth. Wait, that didn’t sound right...



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(510 words)


Prompt: The tooth-fairy's first day on the job.