Wanda's Ramblings

Prejudice

Prejudice

I was listening to Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd the other day and it reminded me of how I thought and believed just a few years ago. My mind was very different at that time and prejudiced against most cultures, races, preferences, etc. Oh, I fancied myself an open minded person, but in reality I was extremely close minded. I was afraid of everyone who was remotely different than me or who had any thoughts that crossed mine. Hell, for that matter I was afraid of anyone who thought at all. Because I was afraid, but didn’t know it at the time, that if I thought much my little world would fall apart.

After getting sober I did begin to think, and my little world did fall apart. What I have found in examining my “little world” was that it was a tiny stain of a worldview built up by adopting the thoughts of other people also with little worlds. The problem with that kind of worldview is that it is very, very fragile and a little bit of independent thinking tears it apart. That tearing apart is terrifying, so it is protected with hate, vitriol, and violence or in other words hate.

So how did I get there? I’m certain I wasn’t born racist or hateful. My early upbringing was done primarily by my mother and her parents and they were certainly not racist or hateful. My grandparents were very open to accepting all people on their merits. I never heard any of them use racist language or any racial slurs. I was in that environment until I was 5 years old and then my dad came back into the picture.

Now my father on the other hand is a different story. He was admittedly by word and deed very racist. Three years after my parents got back together and we settled into a house in Denver my mother became friends with a black woman from church and I was friends with her son. She sought relief and hope in the church because my father was always drunk and abusive. I remember us getting a ride home from this woman one Sunday and my father using a common racial slur and telling my mother to make the lady leave, and she refused. My father left us the following weekend.

I think that started sewing the seeds of racism because I blamed that woman for losing my father. I also had a best friend form the neighborhood who was black, but we got into a terrible fight and became enemies. Not too long after that I started being bounced around group and foster homes as well as institutions and eventually youth corrections. Throughout all of those places we tended to stick together by race and culture so that reinforced my cultural stereotyping.

After getting out of corrections I wound up living with and working for my dad for a year or so and his racist ideology continued to rub off on me. I then began hanging around with a certain group of people who also had racist views and actions for a few more years. I then went back to my dad for many more years. There is an old saying that says, “If you hang around a barbershop long enough you’re going to get a haircut”. I also know that habits come from practice and after being in racist environments long enough it becomes habit and eventually an adopted ideology.

I guess I never did anything overt like publicly using racial slurs or wearing identifying clothing or tattoos. I would certainly judge you though and my actions showed it. Even though I didn’t realize how racist I had become I’m pretty sure people of color get to know a certain look and language that come from racist people and saw it in me. Still though, I was for the most part okay on the outside, but my insides were pretty ugly by the time I began to change my views. Being alcoholic made not caring about it even easier.

In January of 2015 I was involved in a road rage incident that was at least in part racially motivated. That is what led up to me getting sober as well as taking a hard look at my views and behavior. I could no longer rely on my old argument of it’s okay to think it if I don’t act on it. I had actually shot at someone again at least in part due to their race so I could no longer fool myself.

Part of doing a thorough 4th step is getting everything down on paper, so I listed all of my resentments, including my racial and cultural bias so we could take a look at it and see my part in all of it. The thing is with hate is that it was ALL my part because none of those other people had done anything other than exist. Once I began to get honest with myself and really look at my hate it all melted and faded away pretty quickly. With that said I still have prejudicial thoughts come to my mind from time to time. Like thoughts of drinking or using they become less and less frequent but much like the urges to drink remind me that I am a recovering alcoholic the thoughts remind me that I am a recovering bigot as well.

This has been a difficult article to write because it can be painful to remember how nasty I used to be. It brings hope though because in writing it I realize how far I have come and can demonstrate that change is possible. I think that much like my recovery from alcoholism I need to be able to “play the tape to the end” when certain thoughts and ideas pop into my head to remember how bad it got. I am grateful today for all of the events that led up to me realizing I needed to change.