Wanda's Ramblings

Wired

Wired

I’m wired. I remember when that statement meant something completely different, but that’s a story for another day. Anyway, what I mean is I am wired to be wired. In that I mean wired to other people, animals, places, music, etc. I believe that all life and matter is energy and because of that it is all capable of being connected by wires. Now I obviously don’t mean physical wires we can see of touch. That would be rather inconvenient.

In other writings I have discussed connections, grief, and even hope as all connections or the loss thereof. I recently had an amazing vision of how that looks to me. I wish I were an artist or animator because the visual would be cool. But as I am a writer I will describe it for you. In my vison of how everything connects, disconnects, and rips away from me I see wires. Wires that connect me to other bits and sources of energy. How big the wires are and how they look has to do what I am connecting to me or what is connecting itself to me.

I also believe that some of the connections are the ones I intentionally make, some are involuntary yet preprogrammed, and others are forced. The ones I intentionally make can be broken down into several categories such as friendship, romance, and many other reasons. For example, I can choose to connect wires to an animal that I care for as a pet, acquaintance, or just a cool animal for many reasons. I volunteered at an animal sanctuary that had great cats like tigers and lions. While they were not pets, they were animals I interacted with on a regular basis and had a similar connection to that of a pet. In the same way when one of them would die the wires connected to them would get ripped out of me the same way as the ones connected to a pet would.

You may notice I say that the wires were ripped out and that is how I see it. When a connection is severed by force I feel like the wires are ripped out and leave scars and wounds just like yanking the wires out of the back of a computer or device without disconnecting them first. There is a gaping hole or stump with the shredded wires hanging out. Some would describe it as a hole in their heart but no matter what the description, I like mine best, there is trauma. If I view this as the ripped out wires it helps me to see it, since I cannot draw it.

I see this sad forlorn image of a person with damaged wires hanging out of its arm slowly trying to reconnect them only to find they are damaged beyond repair. The person looks skyward with tears and its head drooping in acceptance. It slowly gets up and looks around trying to find new wires to connect to the damaged area but since it is experienced it knows not to try and shuffles off to continue its journey.

I feel like I have easy to use quick connect wires with plugs that don’t connect and pull out without damaging me or the receiver. I can use those for a quick conversation with the store clerk, petting a passing dog, greeting someone after a meeting, etc. but those connections get pulled right back out and don’t leave much impression. Sometimes the other energy source insists on or tries to strengthen the connection or give permanence to it and in my experience the decision to go ahead and sever those connections may damage the receiver.

I also have wires that have screw in connectors or need to be spliced and soldered to make a stronger connection. Again, I see those as one sided in that I may connect to a source with a whole bundle and make it permanent very quickly, I am actually pretty bad about this, while the source may not see the connection the same way and not fasten the wires in the same way. I have many, many old scars where wire bundles have been ripped out because of this. Although I believe some of these connections have a deeper or even divine wiring it is still always up to me to assign the permanence to it. Actually, I don’t always believe that, but logic tells me so.

In a perfect world we would discuss it with each other logically such as, “Hi, I like your energy and would like to connect these wires to you. Should I use a permanent connector, or do you plan to sever this connection as soon as it becomes uncomfortable?”, or whatever the case may be. But in reality, we, or at least I, tend to connect from our side without full consideration of what the other side is using to connect their wires. Here I’m not talking about romance per se just connections in general, but it obviously applies to romantic ties as well.

So, what happens over time is that I wind up with all these broken wires hanging out of me in various states of damage. I also have many areas with scabs or scar tissue over the areas that a large wire group was ripped from. Some people are better than others, think empath, at seeing the damaged wires, scabs, and scar tissue. Some of these people see their role as a healer to try to help others fix their wounds and wires. There are, unfortunately, others who see the damaged areas as a weakness or thing to be exploited.

As a young child I saw the broken wires and scars on my mother and in the attempt to heal her we became inextricably and tragically connected. To the point that we eventually became more lovers than anything else and it left me perpetually scarred when those wires were ripped out. Over the years I have, many times drastically and tragically, tried to find wires compatible to those that were ripped out, pull the scabs off of that wound, and splice them in to finish my healing. In each attempt the wound was only made bigger because that is a connection that could never be replaced.

In the end awareness that the wires exist and a slowly growing knowledge and skill at dealing with them is all I can achieve. There is no cure for “The Wired Condition”, at least not for me, that I am aware of. Some folks have limited or damaged wiring such as narcissists, sociopaths, and others who cannot fully connect to others. I have learned to see these people for what they are and try not to connect fully to them but am still often fooled.

So, I guess I am doomed to wander this life connecting, disconnecting, repairing, and healing my wires as best I can. Actually I guess I wouldn’t want it any other way.