Writing Blog Number 2

20240507 Only In America

Only In America

Now, I know a reasonable amount about United Estatian culture, coming from selling my work to the USA for decades, reading MAD magazine for decades, and being inundated with US television, music and movie products… as well as the books.

The problem is, in the United States, a lot of people think the way they do things is the way the rest of the world does things. Obviously, that ain't the case. The rest of the world understands there are differences because US pop culture is shoved down our throats like the watery slop you call “beer.” (No, Fosters is not real beer; it’s just the crap we sell to the rest of the world.)

So, after having a long discussion with my friend in Florida, here are the things about US culture that confuse me, an Australian who deals with those from the USA on a daily basis.

Using non-metric measurements. The US is one of only 3 countries in the world to still use purely Imperial measurements (if you ignore the increased use of 16mm ammo).

Huge serving sizes. I discovered only recently that our ‘Large’ cups sizes are the equivalent of a medium in the US. A Large is plenty, thanks. Especially coffee. And your meal sizes could feed a family of 4! We have a one kilo schnitzel challenge – eat a kilo schnitzel and win a prize. Apparently, in the US, that’s a snack.

Talking loud in public. Yes, look, some Australians get loud when they get drunk. But regular conversations are held at a volume much more convenient. Or are loud US people only tourists, the people who have interviewed me, the people on TV and people over here for work? And reading online comments… yeah. Other countries feel the same way.

“College.” The rest of the world calls it “University” or “Uni” for short. College is either a sub-school of a university or an elite private school (JP to high school).

Homecoming & fraternities/sororities. Sticking with the university theme. Look, this confuses us. We have seen them on TV and in films, and none of us have any idea what any of it means.

Censoring swear words and religious terms. I know people say them. But on TV, in books, in music, there are censored versions. The religious words especially confuses us, as these appear in non-religious usage even in our kids TV.

Religion everywhere. If you look at graphs of countries’ GDP v those who consider religion important in their lives, as GDP goes up, faith goes down. With one outlier – the USA. In Australia, more than 50% identify as “no religion”; we have had atheist Prime Ministers. In the USA, there are some who want atheists imprisoned.

Not including tax in prices. Not only is tax included in the price, but at the end of your shop receipt, how much tax you paid is outlined. The price we see on the shelf is the price we pay. It’s not that hard.

The Pledge of Allegiance. Really? Why? Isn’t it just brainwashing?

Date order. ONLY the USA uses month-day-year; the rest of the world uses day-month-year, escalating. 9-11 to us is the 9th of November.

Holidays and annual leave. How much annual leave do you get? 10 days? We get a month (28 days), and it doesn’t have to be used all at once, either.

The huge number of flags everywhere. In Australia, people who fly a flag all year round are seen as far right, neo-N*zis. 99.99% of houses do not even have the capacity to show a flag. On Australia Day you might wear your Aussie flag swimming cozzie or beach towel or apron at the BBQ. But apart from that – nope.

The obsession with processed cheese. The world makes really nice cheeses suitable for all palates and United Estatians eat cheese in a freakin’ can!

Your attitude towards alcohol. Drinking age of 21? The rest of the world is generally 18. When I told a US friend I had a breakfast beer, it was like he was ready to send me to Alcoholics Anonymous. I know you drink, and I know you get drunk, sure, but alcohol is seen as something that should be hidden and not talked about.

Shops that sell everything under one roof. Not a shopping centre (or “mall” as you call them), but, say, Walmart. Food, drink, insurance, pets, clothing, tools, drugs, alcohol, ammunition… all in one place.

Red Solo cups are a cultural icon? Seriously? They’re just cups!

You can get into university just by being good at sports; college sports in general. Sorry, but sport being the reason for getting into university seems like it diminishes university. And your college sports! Why? We have leagues and clubs and things. And if you look at the highest paid US state government employees, college sports coaches top the list in 45 of the 50 states! It’s just kids playing games!

Only two political parties with no independents; the complete partisanship of politics. Here, minor parties and independents hold the balance of power. And politicians on both sides can both agree on issues. And then there’s the way you treat politicians like they are gods or something. Really? They’re all just lying scumbags.

Tipping. See, where I live, minimum wage is minimum wage for everyone, no matter the industry. My daughter earns more as a 16 year old in Target than a US waitress who’s been in the job for 16 years.

Your love affair with guns. I know some countries have more guns per capita than the USA, but the USA has the highest amount of gun-related deaths in the developed world. Problem with sex and language, but killing kids is apparently fine. And don’t give me “a good guy with a gun is needed to stop a bad guy with a gun.” Ain’t really worked so far.

Schools have security guards and metal detectors. The fact these are needed says a lot more about the USA than I think you realise.

Pharmacies that sell alcohol and cigarettes. You know these things are bad for you, right?

Cooking with sugar. The amount of added sugar is insane. Here’s an example – Subway in Australia were forced to change the recipe of their bread from the US standard because otherwise it would be considered a “cake” not “bread”, and so have the GST applied to it.

The cost of your health care. Even your medicines cost a fortune, let alone an emergency hospital stay. Universal health care can be wonderful, you know.

Belief trumps science. In fact, science is seen as less believable than the many and varied faiths, from indigenous beliefs to mainstream and beyond.

Referring to the country as “America.” America is the name of two continents. The country is the United States of America. Canadians and Mexicans in North America alone are “Americans” as well.

Asking people what they do for a living as an initial question. I’ve known people for years and still don’t know exactly what they do for a job. We also don’t ask what people earn. All we care about is what sporting team you support.

Worship of the military. Look, soldiers and vets do and have done a great job, but here, apart from ANZAC Day and maybe Remembrance Day, they don’t want to be reminded of it. It was their job, that was all. Both of my grandfathers refused to march because they felt ANZAC Day glorified war. And getting vets to stand up at sporting events so people can cheer them is never, ever done. They would be embarrassed. Don’t get me started on the aggressive recruiting in the US…

Microwaving water? You guys really don’t use kettles?

All of the money looks identical. Ours is not only a different colour, but a different size. Oh, and it’s made of polymer plastic, making it harder to forge.

Customising your restaurant orders. What’s on the menu is what you get. The options available are those on the menu. Changing things for personal taste don’t happen. You want personalised food? Cook it yourself.

Kids trick or treating on Halloween. Shops are trying to make it a “thing” here, but kids and parents alike are not buying in because most households do not care and will not supply snack food. Halloween here is mainly an excuse for a dress-up party; trick-or-treating does not really exist.

Any I’ve missed out? Any you want to argue with me about? Oh, and don’t bother trying to explain anything. I’ve given up.