My Conversion Story Journal

May 19. 2024

So many things have hit my heart this past weekend. Not in a bad way, but in a way that made me think about my responsibilities to G-d because I love him.

I didn't go to shul because I needed to find the missing spark of life and see the world as more than just a dark place. I won't lie, there is still a darkness that wasn't there before, and I don't know when that darkness will become hidden again by the overwhelming presence of light. However, there are so many lessons that I learned over the past year that took root in my heart this weekend and reinforced that this journey of converting to Judaism is anchored in the desire to follow the will of G-d. Sometimes it take a culmination of multiple lessons to bring one out of darkness and back into the light.

On my way to work Friday, I ran over a bird in the middle of the road. I thought it was dead when I ran over it, because it just sat there without moving. However, when I looked into my rearview mirror, I saw it hopping to the side of the road. It was alive when I ran it over, and it lived after my car passed over its head. I thought about a part of lesson that one of the rabbi's had taught that G-d took care of every bird, knew the number of feathers it had and lost, and knew the very moment that bird would die. I have always had a sense of comfort by birds and felt that a bird close to me was G-d's way of telling me that he will take of me. I have definitely been run over with grief these past couple of weeks, and every moment G-d has been there to take care of me. I have no doubts that he will continue in every aspect of my life.

I ran over a snake slithering across the road on my way home (there is always a lot of wildlife where I live so this is actually a normal day). I was afraid for a moment that my back tire would have gotten part of its body or head, but when I looked in my rearview mirror, and it was raising it head to bite (I assume my car). The part of a prayer (from Tehillim 91) for bedtime that says, "He will command his angles for you, to protect you in all your ways. They will carry you on palms, lest you strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the viper; you will trample the young lion and the serpent. For he has yearned for me and I will deliver him." I felt safe and protected, and not just because I was in a metal car.

As I held that baby girl in my arms and watched the big sister of the baby, whose 2nd birthday party I was attending, run around and play, I felt the potential of light shining through this darkness that overwhelmed my view of the world. It reminded me of the Jewish philosophy that you were born at a specific moment in time because G-d thought the world would not be complete without you. I have lost three people to suicide in the past 6 years. But instead of focusing on the loss, while I held that smiling, slobbering, baby, I thought I about the light that those three people gave the world the time I did have with them. I could feel the love and the light they shared, and it was still there inside me. Then a friend's voice came to mind and what he told me about honoring those who have passed by doing a good deed for them since they can't do it themselves anymore. Though he is not Jewish, his words of comfort resonated a Jewish idea of doing a mitzvah (good deed) to elevate the soul of a loved one who had passed. Then I had come to mind the quote, "When the world is at it's darkest, we must shine our light even brighter."

I was able to light candles, which was the last of my tears for Shabbat. I easily prayed the Shabbat service. I easily said the Wayfarer's prayer (Tefilat Haderech) as I drove to my cousin's. I prayed for the counting of the Omer. Then, I fell asleep during the bedtime prayer, but it was after 1am, so I think I get a little grace on that one. Prayers this morning were easy and fulfilling. I'm happy that I can pray again without breaking down and pray with purpose.

I know my world will get bright again, and I will continue to let G-d show his light through me as long as I have breath. Thank you G-d for everything. I love you.