My Conversion Story Journal

June 10, 2024

I have a couple of things with this conversion that I am really struggling with today.

I am still working on moving to the community. I have to have a job to be able to apply for an apartment. I have had two phone interviews. One today. Friday, I have a follow up in person interview from my first phone interview. I should have another in person interview scheduled by next week Tuesday.

Many of my coworkers and students (current as well as previous) asked me if I was leaving. I was honest. I had students tell me that I am abandoning them. I had parents upset because I wouldn't be teaching their children next year. Parents, coworkers, and students said they were going to pray that I didn't get hired. Leaving my current job really is hard. I love them even more than they seem to like me. However, I need to go.

I received my lease renewal last Friday. I haven't even opened it yet.

Shavuot is this week. I will be going down and staying in the community with wonderful people. Leaving there to come back here will be hard. It is always hard. I can't keep living two lives, and I've chosen because I know where I need to be.

I have to admit that some parts of this conversion are really hard. Leaving my job for another one is hard. Having one foot in the community and one foot out is hard.

Then there is all the antisemitism that is ramping up.

I go the same gas station every Saturday on my way home. The guy that was there was always so nice, the gas was the cheapest around, and for a bonus, they have my sweet tea in cans. That guy hasn't been there the past few times I have been there. His brother has who looks at me with such hatred that I try not to visibly shake.

Then there is my Muslim friend from Morocco that posted on one of the videos that show the hostages being reunited with their families. He said, "So you admire Israel Genocide in phalastine ??"

Then I have other friends that tell me conversion shouldn't be this hard. Then an argument ensues.

Do I enjoy more tension with friends? Do I enjoy hearing comments and wondering if I am safe because of the jewelry that I am wearing or because of my beliefs?

This isn't fun. This is hard. This scary sometimes.

Asking me to stop my conversion is like asking me to stop breathing. I just want to worship G-d the way he wants me to worship him. This is what he has shown me he wants, and I can't go back. I can't go back to a life of one toe in and surface level preaching with manipulative narratives that serve only the purpose of the preacher. I can't go back to a life without thinking of G-d the very moment I am conscious, and praying, and thanking him, and understanding him better, and growing closer than I ever thought was possible. I can't go back. I don't want to go back. This is the relationship with G-d that I have been looking for my entire life. Even in the hard and scary moments, how could I give that up?