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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/books/entry_id/1074252-The-Interview-with-Dragondawn
Rated: 18+ · Book · Comedy · #2312723
The Guinea Pig Files. Tales of Ralph, Toby and Graham
#1074252 added July 22, 2024 at 6:44am
Restrictions: None
The Interview with Dragondawn
Something a little different for you now, an interview between Massive Friendly Derg Author Icon and a group of ventriloquistically articulated cavies. (tj-turkey-jobble-jobble-hard-J Author Icon please note that the juggling can generally be taken as read.)

Massive Friendly Derg Author Icon: Ok. Ralph & Gregory. I know you are excited, but try to keep the antics to a minimum if Guinea-Pigly possible.

GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby): Hang on, hang on. There are three of us you know.

GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): Gweep!

GUINEA PIG ONE (Ralph): And Gregory? Gregory's the stand in. Graham on the other hand is erm... Well he's the Graham.

Graham: That's right, I'm the one and only.

Toby: Are you sure about that Graham old chap, I mean there's bound to be other guinea pigs named Graham in the world, what with the general obsession with alliterative names and so on.

Graham: Well I'm the only guinea pig named Graham who's part of this uni-cycular juggling ventriloquism act then.

Massive Friendly Derg Author Icon: Tell our readers how you got into the biz.

Ralph: We were sitting in our pen in Buystuff4yrPets, the Buddleigh Salterton branch, and minding our own business.

Graham: I was listening to the radio - they have it one sometimes, "Get all your Christmas shopping at Buystuff4yrPets - that is if you're buying for your pets at Christmas of course I mean..."

Ralph (Interrupting and giving Graham a glare that says "that's quite enough of that."): When this odd chap came along and said 'They'll do, those three.' Ten minutes later we were in boxes and being juggled down the high street.

Massive Friendly Derg Author Icon: I see. Well tell us, what are your favourite foods?

Toby: Oooh can't beat a good dandelion.

Graham: Yes, dandelion for me too.

Ralph: Personally, I like a simple peasant dish of pate de foie gras, with a fresh baguette and a bottle of Coteaux de l'Aubance to set it off perfectly.

(Graham and Toby exchange 'poser' glances)

Massive Friendly Derg Author Icon: Is there any truth to the rumour that Greg here sleeps in socks?

Ralph: Gregory's sleeping habits are a mystery known only unto himself.

Graham: I sleep in my pyjamas, which are yellow striped silk. Sometimes I wear a smoking cap too, if it's a bit chilly.

Massive Friendly Derg Author Icon: Whatever did happen to the snowball in the freezer?

Toby: We stuck a smaller one on top and added a few bits and bobs and now it's a whole snowman diorama.

Ralph: I did the ducks on the frozen pond with some cotton wool balls.

Massive Friendly Derg Author Icon: Is Greg really allergic to plaid?

Graham: He's really obsessed with Gregory.

Toby: I noticed. Is Gregory allergic to plaid?

Ralph: I think it fair to say he doesn't like bagpipes much, and we'll leave it at that.

Massive Friendly Derg Author Icon: In conclusion, do you have any advice to share?

Graham: Procrastination is for losers. Always put off procrastinating as long as possible.

Ralph: If you pay peanuts you get monkeys.

Toby: I'd advise you to stop now.
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