My Conversion Story Journal

January 1, 2025

Tonight I kindled the Chanukah lights for the last time this year. As they burned, I reflected over the past eight days. In the midst of all the fun of playing with the dreidel, watching the giant menorahs be lit, watching the magician and the Chicago Boyz Acrobatic Team, all of the soup, the latkes, the doughnuts, the friends, and the laughter, G-d has challenged me to grow in ways I didn't expect.

I keep being brought back to the story of the stone tables. G-d created stone tables and wrote the ten commandments on them. He gave them to Moses to give to the people. When Moses went down the mountain to the people, he became angered and broke the stone tablets. He then went back up the mountain, pleaded with G-d for forgiveness for all the Jewish people, created a new set of stone tables and G-d carved the words on them again. Why do I keep coming back to this story over and over again?

When the candles are burning, there is a light in your soul that grows brighter. The is an ever so gentle tug on the soul that calls for growth and personally and spiritually (or in my case, a smack on the head and a voice saying, "Hay, listen up. I'm talking to you."). Each night I lit the candles, I asked G-d what he wanted me to learn. What was my message for Chanukah?

I felt the tug on my conscience to pray more mindful. I haven't been praying like I should, I know. Not just my morning prayers, the Shema, the Amidah, and the bedtime prayer, but my personal prayers and conversations with my creator. After a few days of rest, it time to reconnect. Not only was I needing to talk, but I was also needing to listen.

On day 4 of Chanukah, I sat at the kitchen table alone trying desperately not to cry and hold onto some form of joy. I had faced multiple days of disappointment and was heartbroken. I watched my day 4 candle burn bright and beautiful, but as my tears fell, the flame jumped down the candle wick and quickly the candle burned down to half the size of the rest. Day 5, a similar thing happened with the day 4 candle. Day 6 and day 7 the same candle burned differently. I relived my disappointment and feelings of self-doubt and a low sense of self-worth. My conversations with G-d increased and I opened myself up to listen.

Listening brought me back to the broken stone tablets. Growing up, I pictured those broken stone tables in pieces on the mountainside left where they had fallen. They were broken and worthless and soon replaced. It was only during this conversion journey that I learned something different. The broken pieces of the tablets were placed in the ark along with the second set of intact tablets. Why were the broken tablets kept? Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk said, "There is nothing more complete than a broken heart." It is in our brokenness that we must spend time to grow, to learn, and to heal.

We are not given only one heart. Our heart does not heal and become whole again. We take our broken pieces, we learn from them, and we put them together with our new whole completed heart. Only with our broken pieces echoing the lessons we learned in our brokenness can our whole heart stay intact, grow, and truly love ourselves, G-d, and others.

Each day that something happened to the day 4 candle, or even another candle, I heard my heart whisper truth after truth. It's still burning brightly. It might be different, but it still has worth. It might look different, but it's still burning bright. It's beautiful. My friends words from days before echoed through my mind,

"You're an amazing person. Someday, we will get you to believe it too."

Each day I listened.

"Do you trust me?" Yes, G-d. I trust you.

"Do you believe that I want good for you?" Yes, G-d. I believe you will always do what is best for me.

"Do you believe you are good enough?" I don't know, but I know this is where I belong and where you want me.

As the days passed, I could feel G-d close by as we talked. Day 8 I lit the candles so thankful to have had this time of fun, experiences, and personal growth. I spent a lot of time this day just being thankful. As day 4 candle acted up again, I smiled. Then I heard a voice.

"Before I can give you what you asked, you have to be ready to accept them. Are you ready to accept them?"

The candles have gone out and I am cleaning my menorah to put away. I look at my vision board that outlines everything that I am praying for for the next year. Some of the things on there, yes, I am ready for. All of them, no. I'm not ready yet, but I am in the right place at the right time. Soon. Very soon. I will be ready.