My Conversion Story Journal

February 1, 2024

I didn't break Shabbat today. I have been sick for a few days and didn't go to shul. Not going to shul was bad enough for breaking Shabbat for me. I hate that I have to do something on purpose to break Shabbat. I can't wait for that to end. I prayed at home and said Tehillim for the soldiers and remaining hostages, as well as for GZ's dad who is sick in the hospital.

My kitchen is starting to come together. I know at this point I don't have to buy things, but I like to cook. I want to "practice" knowing that when this practice is over, I will be able to do it right. So, I bought another stand and another convection oven for parve foods. I turned down going to someone's house for Shabbat dinner, because I didn't want to get them sick. I had chicken shawarma in the freezer and decided to cook that along with some cucumber salad and orzo salad. I realized that I have no parve pots or pans to cook a parve dish. I cooked the orzo in a meat pan so it could be eaten with meat.

However, I was very sick yesterday. I had not drank anything when my friend A brought me my medicine that she picked up from the pharmacy for me. All I was trying to do was get ready for Shabbat, and nothing was going right. Thank you A for coming over and making me drink water and praying with me when I prayed for a friend. Your love and care helped me be prepared for Shabbat on time and in the right frame of mind.

I have been studying blessings before and after eating. There are different blessings for food made with grains, with food made from certain food in Israel, for fruit, for vegetables, for other foods. I make sure what I eat is kosher and that I say the right blessing for it, but on Shabbat, I eat challah (bread). I only say the blessing for bread, then the Grace After Meals (Birkat Hamazon or Bentching). Eating bread is special and covers everything else that you eat. Whenever I am in my kitchen, I look at food and think about what blessing I say for that item and why. This Shabbat I didn't do that though, all I could think about was a soldier that I encountered a few weeks ago.

It is not a new thing for Israeli citizens to be in the neighborhood where I live and visit the synagogue that I attend. I have met a few. However, there are a couple that have stood out from the rest. There was a young soldier that spoke at the synagogue. What moved me about him was not what he said, but what he did beforehand.

We have what is called Kiddush after Shabbat services. It is a meal that is proceeded by a prayer over wine (or grape juice) and a blessing on bread. At my synagogue, there isn't always unsliced bread to pray over. Most people pray on sliced bread or on a piece of cake instead. This young soldier walked around from table to table asking for challah (bread) rolls until he had two of them. He then found a shaker of salt, spilled it on the table (very near me), said the blessing, and ate a piece. He did all of it without saying a word because he had already washed. He then sat down to eat. I have prayed extra on my own since then. All I can think is there are people like him that I am praying for, that need prayed for.

For weeks I couldn't figure out why that one incident stuck with me, but a quick glance at my fridge makes clear to me what that simple act of dedication to his faith that young soldier did for me. My friend who died last year left a dark hole in my world. Why the praying over challah rolls made me see light in the world again, I don't know, but it did. It might have been the multiple people who gave up their challah rolls so he could say his blessing in addition to his desire to fulfill the observance in the proper fashion. Regardless, I saw good in the world again.

There have been a few hostages released. There was one hostage that fasted on Tisha B'Av and prayed daily. I can't imagine being held hostage and fighting my captors to be able to practice my religion. That is what one girl did. She fasted, she prayed, and she refused to eat non-kosher meat. She is proof that evil has no chance to kill good.

In this crazy, scary, and messed up world, there is still good. I am so blessed to see so much good in the people around me.

So this next week, when I am feeling better, I will continue setting up my kitchen to function the way I want my kosher kitchen to function. I won't care that I may need to replace some or all of the things I purchased to make it function this way, because in the end, I already see the worth.