Write Your Way Home

Acceptance - Let the Waves Pass

Assignment: Draw a wave for each for each situation in your life. Write a paragraph for each wave. Then read over your writing and write a reflection.



This wave is my finances. Though I keep a budget, I still fear that I will not be able to keep my head above water. I know that I am stable at the moment, but anything can happen. I should not fear what could be, because it is in Hashem's hands, but I'm bobbing like a cork. I don't want to go under. Going under and letting it pass may mean making a financial mistake, which I can't afford to do. However, the more that I think and write about it, the more I understand that "dipping your head under and letting it pass" in this context isn't about stopping the budget and keeping track of my expenses, but letting go of the worry that something will happen. The phrase, "Let go and let G-d" comes to mind, but that phrase is not correct. I need to let go and trust G-d. I know he wants what is best for me and will take care of me if anything ever happens. Let go and let trust.


This wave is me thinking that everything is going well and that I can handle a little more, and then I am blown back by something. No doubt that there will always be something to learn, but I need to learn to let my feet dangle in the water and enjoy the feeling of it on my skin and how it calms me. I am involved in so many classes (which I absolutely love) and I don't need to push myself to do everything. I don't want to lose the joy that I have in praying. I want to enjoy the words that I am praying and let them feel sweet on my tongue and simmer in my heart. I don't need to learn everything at once, and it is okay if I don't know something. For everything that I don't know, for every class that I pass on, there are Tehillim that I get to say, and sweet words to savor in the morning, afternoon, evening, and bedtime prayers. "Dipping my head under and letting it pass" is letting everything that I am already doing be my focus and my joy. Anything else, anything extra, can wait for another boat.


Things are going so smoothly right now with my children. I love to hear their voices on the phone and hear about their accomplishments. I know, however, that their lives will go through difficulties and I'm just surfing the wave of success that could come crashing down and throw me off my surf board into the frigid waters below. If or when their life becomes a bit to big of a wave for them, I will do what I always do. I will be strong. I will be there for them. I do all that I can to give them guidance, love, support, and direction. Mostly, I will pray for them always. When I go under, or they go under, I will leave to the creator who loves them even more than I do (which is a weird thought as to how that is possible) and trust that he will take care of them and guide them and show them love in ways that I no longer can since they are all grown. They are never alone.


I understand the life's little details might not seem like much to others who look from the outside in, but they are what stresses me out the most. How will I make it to the store to buy bread? What gas station should I go to avoid the most traffic and not get caught in a traffic jam. How can I deal with people everywhere the lack of open space and woods? How can the noise of people and the city not make feel anxious and smothered. There are things I can do when life's little details get overwhelming. I have already accepted that this is where I need to be and where I want to be. I can find that small patch of woods, stop in the middle of the street and watch the deer cross, stand in the parking lot and watch the sun rise and relish the beauty of it even if it is over a city fence instead of through the break in the trees and the sparkle through the leaves. I can find beauty where I am.


I have to admit that I love what I do. I love making a difference in children's lives even if they don't appreciate it at the present time. I like to bring a smile to their face and see their joy and their hope for their future. Even if it is just for a short period a day. Sometimes, though it feels like all the negativity of their troubled lives, and their anger at their lives, and their apathy beat down all my progress, and cover all of the effort and the work I put into them and I am thrown against a rock left with finding a way to stand, to swim, and to continue on. My purpose becomes muddied. By "dipping my head under and letting it pass" means that I keep going with the understanding that there will be a time in the future that once again everything I do and all the effort that I put into these young people's lives will matter. Whether I see it with my own eyes or not. My purpose, though it may seem muddied, is always clear and unchanging. It is the rock that I hold onto to keep me steady. I will stand on top of it again and see a beautiful ocean of lives worth all of my giving.


I have always kept my circle of friends small. there are not many people that I trust. I have been comfortable with a few people and had them completely change their behavior with me or just stopped associating with me completely. Keeping that sea of friend s at a safe distance doesn't work, however. I may think that I am enjoying the sunshine alone, but I have come to understand that I do need them. Though their friendship may seem like it is pulling me away from my comfort zone, a swimsuit is meant for swimming in. I can enjoy the sun beating down on my for a while and then let the waves cover me and find tremendous joy in that too. So much new to me here, but I can navigate the close relationships and feel comfortable in the closeness even if it is unexpected. Hashem put me here for a reason, and gave me amazing people in my life for a reason.


Reflection: I don't remember a time that I had so many waves that required so much energy, focus, and commitment. They all seem to have one thing in common: trusting Hashem. My worries about the future, about the present, and about things that may never come to fruition is a bright yellow flag that trapping my joy and keeping it all for itself. I should be trusting Hashem and looking for that joy in every situation for the simple fact that I know he is there and will take care of me. He says he is and that he will. I thought I had gotten through my trust issues, but even though I have come far, there are obviously more steps to climb to the plateau of true acceptance. Knowing something to be true, doesn't make it an accepted fact. Practicing that truth will. I need to practice my trust. I've changed my entire life for this and I will accept that his will may a bit different than my timeline, but my purpose for being here remains the same. The waves will become smooth and calms, and new waves will come in the future. I can and will still trust Hashem. And I can and will fulfill my purpose. There is joy in every wave. I will dip my head under and let the water bring me closer my father than I've ever been before. After all, every wave in my life is part of my ocean.