Write Your Way Home

Acceptance - How I thought It Would Be

10 minutes... I thought...
I thought that my life would be completely different than it is right now. I wanted to be in the air force and be a composer. I pictured myself flying an airplane while listening to Bach. My friends would joke and start singing a bit of music and then make a bomb noise. I worked so hard to get away from my family and to be a completely different person than they were. I wanted to live a better life. One that was pleasing to G-d and not be influenced by drugs, alcohol, and abuse. I was told repeatedly that my life would be different. That I would be in poverty the rest of my life. That would never be different than my parents. That I would never be anything except a worker at a dead end job. I thought I could prove them all wrong and that I could do whatever I wanted and be whomever I wanted. I thought that I would be a better person today than I was yesterday. I'm glad that my thoughts were right. I never thought that I would have children. I never wanted children because I was afraid of being like my parents. It took a lot of work to be different and there were generational habits that I had to break. There was a completely different mindset that I had to have to achieve what I wanted, and I always thought that I could. After having children I thought that we would be a happy family forever. I thought that once you were married that you were married forever if you loved each other enough. I thought that everyone wanted their marriage to last forever. I was wrong. I thought sometimes that I wouldn't make it and that life would swallow me up, but my stubbornness always was stronger than those thoughts. I thought that I would never have people in my life again who really cared about me. I thought that I would go through this conversion on my own and not be such a part of so many other people's lives. It's still weird. I thought a lot of times that the uncomfortableness that I felt would eventually go away, but I still don't like large gatherings. I thought that would have healed by now from living with abuse.

10 minutes... But then....
But then I found out that I was too short to fly a plane. Yes, I tried. I'm too short to reach the petals. But then I was going to go into the air force still to be an airplane mechanic. But then I got pregnant. I had to decide whether to keep the baby or put it up for adoption and go into the military. But then I couldn't picture my life without my baby and made the decision to keep her. But then I went to college to be a composer, but after a year, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do anymore, I wasn't spending enough time with my daughter, and I dropped out. But then I met my husband and got married. But then I had more children and he didn't love me anymore (his words were that he never did). But then I fell into a cycle of abuse until he couldn't keep the abuse he did to my children from me and I left. But then I went back to college and got a degree and became a teacher. But then all of the words of failure that I heard from my youth came flooding back and I felt like a failure. But then I sang my children to sleep and pretended to be strong. But then I was. But then my children grew up and moved and had their own families. But then I had time to work on my own dreams and listen to the voice of G-d over my own desire to pretend to be strong and prove myself. But then I decided to convert to Judaism. But then I was out of my comfort zone all the time. But then I grew closer to G-d and never wanted to give that up. But then I changed my life completely by finding a synagogue, a community, and friends. But then I quit my job, got a new job, and moved to the community where my synagogue and friends were at. But then life became overwhelming and I wasn't doing things I loved enough.

No timer... And now...
And now I am sitting at my computer in an apartment in the city. I am actively working on conversion. I spend all my time at work and at classes. I still love my community and my friends. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have time to do some of the things I love to do and don't have time for but I know that I will. I know that after the first year at a new school things will get easier. I will eventually be able to do the things I love like crocheting, visiting my children, and writing. I know that I will never be an airplane mechanic or be in the military, but I do fundraisers for the Wounded Warrior Project and pray for soldiers multiple times a week. I can't see myself as soldier anymore, but I always support from the sidelines because they still need to know that they are loved and appreciated. I don't know how I can turn some of the things I left behind into a new dream. I don't see myself as a musician anymore, and I don't play any instruments anymore. I can still write and I still do. I could make a goal to make writing as my only job that pays the bills and I could be happy doing that, but not until after my conversion. That is my main goal in life right now. Nothing in life seems to be as important. I enjoy talking to my children on the phone, and I know that the time apart is good for them so they can grow into the people they are supposed to be. I can find ways to still let them know that I love them and be content with that.

Reflection:
It's amazing that from the time of what "I thought" to the "but then" and the now there seems to be no flow of events. It doesn't read like a story. It seems completely disconnected except for one thing that I said in the beginning. I said that I wanted a different life than my parents and that I had to break general bonds and get a new mindset. I guess that happened even though it is not in the way that I expected. I didn't want children because I didn't want to be like my parents, but having children just made me more motivated to not be like my parents. Not knowing what I wanted to do in life just gave me the opportunity to focus on the things that I loved. I then found a career I loved and became more than anyone expected me to become. I can live with that, but I still want to achieve my dreams of conversion and writing. I'm glad that life is not what I thought when I was younger. I don't want a life without my children because I know what a blessing they are to have. Perhaps not achieving your dreams is the change in life that is needed to truly get to where you are supposed to be to live a fulfilled and happy life. Everything that I went through in my "but then"s is what made me into the person I am today. I will have "I will"s in the future and the things of the past will be no more than just a list of things that happened in history. I am happy with my life right now, even on the days or in the moments that I feel overwhelmed.