Y Ddraig Goch

June 19 2025 - Let it Go

Prompt: What do you want to let go of?

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When I first thought about this, I thought about regret and guilt. I only have one and that's around my father not meeting my daughter. It is something that haunts me to this day. It probably always will.

I'd had a stressful pregnancy and had been hospitalised for the last 6 weeks of it. The doctors brought the delivery date forward to 37 weeks instead of 40 and I'd been given steroid injection at 31 weeks to bring on her lungs in case things took a turn for the worst. They didn't, we were both fine.

When we were released from hospital I wanted a few days with just me, my husband, and my new baby. I wanted to settle back into the house. My mum and dad really wanted to see us. I'd asked them to wait until the weekend (about 3/4 days). This wasn't new information - I'd said similar things in the lead up to the birth. I think my mum would have been in the room with me if I'd let her. My mum pushed and planned to come up the next day. My dad even polished his shoes to look smart. It was important to him, and he was excited. But my mum and I had an argument about me needing space and time, and they didn't come up.

I asked if they wanted to come up during the week or the following weekend, and was told "No" in very short, sharp text. My mum was NOT happy.

Eventually my mum came up two weeks later (mostly because my mother-in-law was scheduled to come over from Australia and my mum wanted to meet the baby first). We said we would travel down to see everyone instead and were told no, my mum would come up. My dad didn't come up with her.

He died the following weekend.

I have a huge amount of guilt and regret over not allowing him up to see us all. He just wanted to see us. In hindsight, I wish I'd just caved and let them come up. I don't think I was in the wrong for wanting space and time to breath, but it was also a really tough lesson in the fact that there isn't always more time.

It is the only decision I wish I could turn the clock back on. It's the one regret that eats me up still to this day. Theia wouldn't have remembered meeting him. But he would have held her in his arms. There would have been pictures.

Maybe I'm just clutching at straws for anything to make losing him less painful.

I wish I could let that go. To forgive myself, because I know I should. I just haven't worked out how to yet - it's been nine year.