Sam’s Journal of Survival

Learning

020226 This journal is fiction. The voice you’re reading is a character, not the author.

Learning
Monday

I have about a week before my next therapy appointment.

I decided to use the time instead of letting the idea sit unanswered in my head.

So today, I started reading.

Not everything. Not all at once. Just enough to understand what immersion therapy actually is, not what my fear imagined it to be.

What I am learning is that it is not about being thrown back into the worst moments. At least, not the way it is supposed to be done. It is not about shock or endurance or proving strength.

It is about control.

Choice.

Pacing.

The goal, as far as I can tell, is not to relive the past but to teach the body that the present is different. That remembering does not mean danger is happening again. That fear can rise and fall without taking over.

That sounds reasonable on paper.

My body has not objected yet.

That matters.

I am also learning that immersion therapy is rarely done alone. There are grounding techniques, preparation, exits. There is an understanding that the person doing the work decides when to stop.

That part is important to me.

I do not want anything that takes control away from me. I have had enough of that for one lifetime.

What I do not know yet is whether this is right for me. Or whether I am ready to sit with memories I have kept contained for a reason.

But I am noticing something.

When I think about it now, my chest does not tighten the way it used to. My thoughts do not spiral immediately. I am curious instead of panicked.

That feels new.

I am not trying to convince myself of anything. I am just gathering information. Letting my body react. Paying attention.

This week is not about deciding.

It is about understanding.

I will keep reading. Slowly. Carefully.

And I will see what tomorrow brings.