what matters and why

personality

7/17/01
11:00pm

For some reason, I have this incredible need to be accepted, and if I sense that someone is irritated with me, if only slightly, I am tense and uncomfortable. I am constantly second guessing what I’ve just said, wondering if it was the right thing to say, and whether it sounded somewhat intelligent and sometimes I even hold back, for lack of something credible to say, or fear of rejection. I think that it contributes to a personality that allows people to take advantage of me, and that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Tonight I had this feeling that something I said or did had bothered him somehow, and he was quiet. It could have been that he was only tired. I get this feeling though that I’ve screwed up and I want to fix it, and then I end up saying the wrong thing. I talked too much to his sister last night about a friend who had been getting on my last nerve and then when she left, wished I’d just kept my mouth shut. Sometimes it’s good to vent, but to a certain point. I hate that feeling that somehow I’ve offended someone and but don’t know what it is or how to fix it. I’ve been wondering where to draw the line with this friend. Is she walking all over me, or am I being unreasonable. When I express my feelings to others, I have a hard time reading facial expressions and though they may say one thing, they are thinking another. I think I’ve fixed the problem but will feel better when it’s all over and we’re on good terms. Maybe this knot in my stomach will go away. The other night his mother was being very assertive, which is her personality, she’s only being herself. It takes me a good hour to get used to her every time, and during that time, I’m so angry I think I’m going to explode. And I don’t know why I can’t tolerate her sometimes. She is so bossy, and is always right in her mind. It’s her way or no way. People around her just do what she says, no questions asked. And though I’m not opposed to receiving advice now and then, I don’t like feeling like she is telling us what to do. She doesn’t even do it to me often, but it still bothers me when it’s directed at others. Just when I think I’m used to her, It begins all over again and I hate being so angry.
My best friends have always been the youngest of all their siblings. Why am I attracted to those that require attention and think that the way they do things is the best and only way. It’s strange how these things work out.