what matters and why

falling down

9/5/01
1:30pm

Today, I think he was scared of me. I couldn’t stop crying, and for no apparent reason. I was angry with him, when he did nothing wrong. I am too proud to admit that I made a mistake in taking this challenge. I would rather do anything than cave in and agree that it’s what’s been bothering me lately. And it’s affecting every aspect of my life, and those around me. I’m not myself; I’ve been crying too much. It all just seemed to hit me at once, and I didn’t know what to do. I can’t even pinpoint the problem. There’s too many, and I want to fix everything and don’t know where to start. All I know is that I don’t like who I have become. I don’t like my short temper, and I don’t like feeling weak. I’ve always taken pride in being a strong person, a good listener, someone who does not strive to be the center of attention. I don’t think that’s changed. My patience is slowly diminishing however, something I desperetely need to be the parent I want to be. There’s nothing I hate more than parents who have no sympathy, no patience, and I feel myself inching more and more toward that. I hate myself for that. I don’t want to be that kind of person, who loses it at the drop of a hat. I want to be able to get through the tough times no matter what, without revealing weakness. He’s been there for me through this, but how long can he put up with me. I don’t even know what went wrong, why I am feeling this way and why I can’t fix it. I can always pick myself up. I don’t like asking for help or admitting that I’ve made a mistake. I want to do everything myself. No one should have to fix what I got myself into. I cried for almost four hours yesterday, and although it all turned out in the end, I can’t shake this feeling of stress, that I’ve taken on too much. I’m feeling taken advantage of, underpaid, something is missing. It’s been months since I’ve really had a good time without the ugly feeling.